To those who have been blessed with a mind to always be happy, I envy you. This month always gives me shivers as I am reminded of October of 2021 when my dad tried to hurt himself. We assume that people are okay, and we want them to be okay. We want everyone to be happy and we can't understand why they aren't.
I was in a funk all last week. I could not shake the sadness. The sadness of trying to feel a sense of worth or belonging. Depression can hit at any time and sometimes you just get overwhelmed, it feels as if a wave crashed over you and you are desperately trying to get to the surface to take a breath of air. There's nothing wrong with you if you don't feel okay. That's the part that I hate. "How can I fix you, or fix this". Before anyone freaks out I already seek help. This isn't a cry for attention.
I care about everyone's mental wellness. Heck, I even started running again to try to reduce my depression, and it helps. Having something to focus on can be great for your mind until you pull a muscle and have to take a couple days off.
I think the worst part about being sad is having to explain yourself. Why do you feel this way? What can people around you do to support you? I don't want to have to tell someone how to make me feel better. Or when some people only happen to see you sad but they don't see all your happy times. They start to lump you in as just being a negative person. Then when the labels start the wave pushes you under more.
I'm not a sad person, and I'm not a negative person. I hate being labeled as something I'm not, or being compared to someone I'm not. I am not trying to be a better step-parent than anyone else, or a better sister, or a better wife. I am just trying to be me, Mary Miller. I am trying to give the best version of myself to everyone every day. On days that I can't promise I can give my best, I try to get better and take some time to myself to just breathe.
It's okay to take those days. Take your personal days. Reset your mind, watch some Firefly Lane on Netflix ball your eyes out. Cry and cry and then laugh a little. I think about what used to stress me out. In my younger years of middle school or high school. It makes me chuckle thinking about it, a boy who I had a crush on that thought I was gross. Or Biology, I always hated biology.
On Netflix there's a show "How to Get Rich", I personally thought the show was going to suck. But it is all about living your "rich" life. Everyone's definition of rich is different. The same as everyone's definition of being happy, or everyone's definition of a good parent. We all have different ways we think the world should look.
But if we focus on our own "rich" life, how can we lose? If we focus on ourselves and who we want to be and what we want, while ignoring the noise. How can you lose?
Today think about your rich life. What does it look like? Check-in with your friends and family. Most importantly understand it's okay to be sad. And for all of us trying to comfort our sad family and friends let's remember no one wants to be sad.
