Some of us put so much pressure on ourselves. We want to please a coach, a parent, a boss, or a family member. Some of us constantly feel we disappoint ourselves and can't see past that. Everyone sees us differently, but we always see ourselves in a negative light. We get labeled as quitters, bitches, or other fun names.
Regardless.
We try to help others to ensure that no one else feels as miserable as we do. We want to spread happiness because we can't find it ourselves. Some people take advantage of us and don't realize that these acts of kindness heal our self-sabotaging. If we can't give it to ourselves, why not give it to others? We tend to forget that we deserve love and grace, too.
We are constantly questioned about changing our minds. As if it's bad to have new feelings or want to prioritize your time differently. We get scared to say no to something because we don't want to disappoint anyone, yet we are disappointed. We feel pressured to do something because our friends do it or our spouse is involved.
The pressure builds, and we have a hard time sleeping. We wake up hoping to hide from everything and spend the whole day in bed, which helps us hide from whatever is causing the pain. The next day, you wake up realizing you can't spend every day in bed. You start to make little decisions that make you feel better. You start to care less about what others think of your decisions. This slowly gives you the confidence to finally just throw the middle finger up and say if you don't like it, well, then F-off. This feeling is as freeing as driving down the road with the windows down in the summer. You feel alive again and have goosebumps on your arm.
Then something bad happens.
It could be anything from "Did you hear what so and so said about you" to "Hey, dad's in the hospital again." You try to stop your heart from sinking but find yourself back on your mattress. When people ask me what depression feels like, this is it. It looks different to everyone. It feels different for everyone. Most of the time, you don't even know someone feels this way.
If you take anything from this blog post, take this: It is okay to change your mind, to take a different path than you intended, to stop fearing what others think, to follow your gut.
That said, I am not running the Chicago Marathon. I thought long and hard about it. I find no joy in running like that anymore, and my mind is not in the shape it needs to be for this race. I need to prioritize my time in caring for my mind and body. Putting it through a grueling 26 miles is self-sabotaging.
Let's stop self-sabotaging. The world is mean enough, so let's at least be nice to ourselves.
Thank you for taking the time to sit in my brain today.
