"Even with my baby sitting next to me, I'm a self-sabotagin' suicide machine"

Some of us put so much pressure on ourselves. We want to please a coach, a parent, a boss, or a family member. Some of us constantly feel we disappoint ourselves and can't see past that. Everyone sees us differently, but we always see ourselves in a negative light. We get labeled as quitters, bitches, or other fun names. 

Regardless.

We try to help others to ensure that no one else feels as miserable as we do. We want to spread happiness because we can't find it ourselves. Some people take advantage of us and don't realize that these acts of kindness heal our self-sabotaging. If we can't give it to ourselves, why not give it to others? We tend to forget that we deserve love and grace, too. 

We are constantly questioned about changing our minds. As if it's bad to have new feelings or want to prioritize your time differently. We get scared to say no to something because we don't want to disappoint anyone, yet we are disappointed. We feel pressured to do something because our friends do it or our spouse is involved. 

The pressure builds, and we have a hard time sleeping. We wake up hoping to hide from everything and spend the whole day in bed, which helps us hide from whatever is causing the pain. The next day, you wake up realizing you can't spend every day in bed. You start to make little decisions that make you feel better. You start to care less about what others think of your decisions. This slowly gives you the confidence to finally just throw the middle finger up and say if you don't like it, well, then F-off. This feeling is as freeing as driving down the road with the windows down in the summer. You feel alive again and have goosebumps on your arm. 

Then something bad happens. 

It could be anything from "Did you hear what so and so said about you" to "Hey, dad's in the hospital again." You try to stop your heart from sinking but find yourself back on your mattress. When people ask me what depression feels like, this is it. It looks different to everyone. It feels different for everyone. Most of the time, you don't even know someone feels this way. 

If you take anything from this blog post, take this: It is okay to change your mind, to take a different path than you intended, to stop fearing what others think, to follow your gut. 

That said, I am not running the Chicago Marathon. I thought long and hard about it. I find no joy in running like that anymore, and my mind is not in the shape it needs to be for this race. I need to prioritize my time in caring for my mind and body. Putting it through a grueling 26 miles is self-sabotaging. 

Let's stop self-sabotaging. The world is mean enough, so let's at least be nice to ourselves. 

Thank you for taking the time to sit in my brain today.

I don't know about you But I'm feeling thirty-two?!

 I have been thinking about age lately, not the number as much as health. My dad had a heart attack a couple weeks ago and his body has not been kind to him for the last 2 years. The problem is he isn't even 70 yet. 

What I have learned about age in the last couple of years is that it really doesn't mean anything, other than a few key milestones by law: 18,21, and 25? I think that's the rental car one. Obviously, health and exercise matters, and my dad was a gym rat. He doesn't have issues walking upstairs, he eats well and stays as active as his body will now let him. 

It is July which means I turn another year older this week. I think to myself what does a healthy 32-year-old look like. 

• I got an Oura ring to track my cardiovascular health and sleep. So far I love it, I would recommend it over an Apple watch as the battery life is amazing, and no notifications!
•  I set a goal to reduce my screen time, this one is tough. I get my screen-time report every Sunday, averaging 4 hours a day which turns on my engineering brain. 4hr/day, 365 days/yr, that's 1460 hr./year. This means I spend 60 days a year straight scrolling, which is a tough pill to swallow. 16% of the year I spend on my phone. The only benefit? I can keep in touch with my family and friends. Additional "benefits" of using my phone include fatigue, depression, and wasting time and money. 
•  After getting a medical massage, I learned I need to stretch more and strengthen my muscles. I signed up for some yoga/strength classes to see how that helps. 

People older than me are reading this thinking "She's so young, she shouldn't have issues yet", but young is the perspective. I think high schoolers are young. People in their 60s think I'm young. People in their 70s think 40-50-year-olds are young. That's why I started this out with I think about age but not as the number. Some 60-year-olds run marathons and some 40-year-olds have a hard time bending down to pick up stuff off the floor. We need to take care of our bodies so our bodies take care of us. I remember laughing in my 20s as someone gave me that advice. Take care of my body, what does that mean?

In life we want people to understand us, or understand what we are going through. It's nice to hear people say you are so strong and you can get through anything. Thank you, but to be honest I don't want to be strong all the time. I grew up handling my own emotions and being strong for myself and others. It is exhausting. You see when you "are so strong" people don't check in on you. They don't ask you how you are or just listen to how you feel. When you are strong people constantly call you to vent, ask how your spouse is doing, and ask for advice/recommendations/suggestions. They get what they need from you because "well Mary is so strong, she will get through anything". 

I would hope people aren't reading this in a negative light. I love being there for people, helping people, and being that reliable call. I love surprising people with gifts or homemade cookies. I enjoy helping people find their happiness and what brings them joy. 

My question back to you is: who is that person in your life right now that you believe is SO strong. When was the last time you genuinely asked them how they were doing? I guarantee it will make their day. 

Let's take care of our bodies so our bodies take care of us. Let's take care of our friends/family because in the world we live in, especially right now, we could use some kindness and love. 

Perfect is good enough

 My views of perfection started at a really young age. I prided myself on never missing a school day and carrying around my perfect attendance award. I remember being the first in my third-grade class to complete the multiplication tables without a single mistake. I remember winning a Scrabble tournament in 5th grade because I would religiously practice spelling. I collected a trophy for being the most athletic female in my class, the most improved, and was chosen for many choir solos. If I practiced and practiced, well perfect is good enough. 

But I also remember the first test I ever failed. It was my driver's test and I was crushed. I didn't know what failing felt like and I hated myself for it. I beat myself up for failing because it was all my fault. To this day I don't enjoy driving and would rather walk. Failure and I were not friends. 

In the early stages of my career, I climbed the ladder of promotions because if I did my job perfectly and checked all the boxes how could I not? I held myself to a standard and thought that everyone should do the same. Well, failure wasn't the only thing that kicked my ass, reality came into play. Life isn't fair, ever heard of that one?

All of a sudden being perfect was just an expectation I put on myself, the only person that cared if I was perfect was me. After multiple attempts at journaling, BetterHelp therapists, and meditation. I started seeing a Life Coach a couple months ago. I am learning to set healthy boundaries around others and myself. I am learning that what I want in life is what I want and that is totally fine. It's okay to not want an inflatable hot tub or a closet full of clothes I'll never wear. I mean you can only wear one outfit a day, right? It's okay to not be an executive before the age of 35. Even though others have done it.

My husband and I are challenged daily with trying to do the right thing and not piss someone off. The problem is no matter how many times we weigh our decisions or try to help, we still piss someone off. No matter how nice, no matter how much we try to contribute, no matter how perfect we try to be it's never enough. At the end of the day whether we are sitting by ourselves at a school event or at the dinner table or on the deck after a long day. As long as we have each other, that is good enough!

As of today my trophies/certificates of perfection sit in a suitcase that I will eventually have to move out of my parent's house. As I get older I will learn to not let my failures define me. I will not let someone's mom make me feel less than. I will not change who I am for someone's approval even if they are family. 

I will continue to help others, continue to fail, and continue to show up for my family and their events. My life coach asked me why I give so much of myself to others. I responded, "I never want anyone to feel like their life doesn't matter. I will do whatever I can to prove to someone that they shouldn't hurt themselves".  

Most days I don't recognize me ..

 After watching the New Richmond Show Choir performance, I decided to sit and watch the musical The Waitress. This song "She Used to Be Mine" was stuck in my head repeatedly. I'm not going to lie to y'all I cried my eyes out at the musical even at the funny parts. A waitress who pours everything into her pies, her patrons, and her family. She winds up finding out she's pregnant and works even harder. She has the baby and finds the strength inside to gain back her freedom.

 DISCLAIMER: Before anyone starts a rumor, I am NOT pregnant. I prefer baking cookies over pie and I wouldn't say the people I serve in my life are patrons at a diner. 

Whoof now that, that's behind us. I think the song can relate to so many people.

• Parents with young children who run around day/night and barely find time for themselves. 
• Parents who "seem to never be around" in their children's eyes, but in the background are grinding away at work to provide for their family.
• Young adults who are living on their own don't have that sense of comfort from living with their parents. Additionally the unknown of starting your own life as an independent. 
• Graduating seniors who used to feel like kids are now starting life outside of the 12 years of schooling, a life with a less formal schedule.
• A 16-year-old who just got their license now realizes the amount of responsibility it takes to have a license and the cost it entails.
• Maybe you went from being single to being married and now you have joint accounts, joint decisions, and joint responsibilities.  

The summary is we go through portions in our lives where we don't recognize who we are because we are so different from who we used to be. We go through times when life used to be simple and now feels so complex. What do you mean I have to coordinate with my husband every day on what we are having for dinner?!? It's comical but before when you were single eating a box of crackers and some cheese probably seemed like enough. We spent so much time wishing we were older when we were younger. Wishing we had more money instead of enjoying what we can actually afford. 

As I ripped off the month of April from our calendar, I started to wonder where did the last 4 months go? I spend so much time wishing/hoping to get to a date or a time. Everything will be less stressful after XX or if we just make it to XX. Valuable time is passing by, time you can't get back. In some cases the person you used to be you can't get back. 

How do we learn to be content with what we have or who we are? That my friend is not easy to answer and it isn't a pill you take to feel better. I started working with a coach to help guide myself to that place of content. Sometimes you can't do it on your own and that is quite alright. 

It is okay to not recognize yourself anymore. It's okay to have to have a good cry. Today I stare outside my window and realize I should just be truly blessed I can experience this sunny day. 

Please take advantage of the sun, don't make any excuses, and breathe the fresh air. 

Everyone's got a lot going on ...

I think about this saying a LOT lately. We understand that everyone has a lot going on in their personal lives and sometimes it's hard to help others. I also am a firm believer that you can make time for those that matter. I'm just going to say this, I am at max capacity. I am helping others as best as I can present and afar, and I am exhausted/overwhelmed. 

Has anyone else felt maxed out? 

I think some rational thinking would help.

Weight loss/Health. I have been overweight, obese, just right, etc my whole life. Weight fluctuates, it doesn't define you. I am proud of people that lose weight but I am triggered by certain statements. "I haven't eaten anything today" " I don't need to eat that much" "I'm never really that hungry" " I can lose 20 pounds in a month" Let's simmer down people. Starving yourself isn't weight loss, it's an eating disorder. That is very triggering for me. You can intermediate fast and eat during a time window a day, totally understand that. But not eating is not weight loss. You, my friend, are losing muscles and when you get older you will wish you had muscles instead of just bones. The best way to lose weight is to get a balanced diet in a calorie deficit. Sprinkle in some exercise, a consistent sleep schedule, cut out some sweets here and there and BAM you will feel amazing in a week. Don't forget that water intake! If you aren't worried about your health then that's a problem. Food is fuel, food is healthy, and weight loss happens when you start to care for your body. The number on the scale doesn't dictate how healthy you are. In November of 2023, I ran a marathon and I was 25 pounds heavier than I am now. Weight DOES NOT define you. Not eating will/can ruin you, I have seen it happen. 

The Deceased. This thought was sparked through reading Romans 6:5-14 "because anyone who has died has been set free from sin". I gave you all the spark notes version there but if we live with Christ and die with Christ we have that path to forgiveness. I read this with my husband and we instantly thought of Luke, his son who passed. The decisions he made or choices he made are not to be judged because he is free from sin. Sadly, people still speak ill of the dead. Let's not channel our energy toward people that don't have the option to change their life. It isn't fair and quite frankly it hurts more than helps. Let's make good choices in honor of those who can't. 

College/School/Career. I have worked in a male-dominated field for most of my adult life. I have a bachelor's degree, this degree doesn't make me better than anyone else. I wanted to go to college; I had a passion for it. I loved school and I loved learning. If that isn't you then that is OKAY. Please don't put yourself in debt for something you don't want in life. My brother is an electrician and is very successful. If you don't have a passion for college then don't do it. I am not a "girl boss" because I work in construction. I am a woman with a job.

Finding the love of your life. I will keep this short and simple. In the words of my mom, "This will happen when you least expect it". Forcing this is a recipe for disaster. 

Asking for help We were not made to go through life alone. Ask for help when you need it. I have been to therapy and reached out to work professionals, old colleagues, college friends, and siblings. There is no weakness in asking for help. Most importantly if you are a believer in faith, lean in! Through my 40 days of bible study, I have strengthened my relationship with god. During this time of being maxed out, I have allowed myself room still for my faith. 

Me.  I'm tired and sad. Yes, my dad "made it a year longer than we thought". But my dad is not really himself anymore. He has changed and the dynamic in my family has changed. Between all that I juggle a lot of other balls. I deal with hatred from people that don't even know me.

At the end of the day, I just want some grace. At the end of the day, I just want to breathe. Sometimes at the end of the day, I want to be left alone.

Everyone's got a lot going on, reach out to a person you haven't in a while. Ask them how they are doing, and if you have the capacity offer some help. At the end of the day you have one life you have to make the best of it. That includes doing what makes you happy, keeping your body healthy (so who knows someday you can run around with your kids, or go on walks with your dogs), and helping others when you can. 

Insert Dave Ramsey's Voice

We live in a time where being an influencer is a profession and a powerful profession at that. I have no issue with the job, I just am not a fan of how it affects some people, I'll get into that later. I would actually like to see an influencer and Dave Ramsey have a conversation. A man who says "Just because it is on sale, doesn't mean you have to buy it", versus an influencer telling you how you need this new top from Amazon because it is so comfy or cute. 

I am guilty. I was incredibly guilty of this. 

I remember when I was younger and had to understand money at a young age. I understood there were times when we paid for gas with our change cup or we saved up some money to enjoy a pizza for a summertime lunch. I enjoyed how simple our childhood was and never really thought about how much money our parents made. I remember when I started working and was proud to make my own money. I felt a sense of pride for paying for things on my own. As I grew older I fell into the trap of consumerism. I thought I needed a name brand this or a name brand that. I would spend and spend. Luckily I cared so much about my credit score that I never racked up any debt but I didn't have any savings. I was influenced. I wore the same Carhart sweatshirt every day but had a closet full of clothes from Nordstrom or Zara. None of which made me feel better. Then I gained weight and kept all the clothes for when I would lose it again and well felt worse. You see consumerism affects your wallet and your gut. One of the deadly sins is gluttony. You continue to spend or continue to eat in hopes that it will make you feel better. Instead, it leaves you surrounded by stuff and you feel more alone. 

I was a glutton. I was incredibly guilty of this. 

Now the people a step above me on the consumerism rank are the people that spend money just to spend money. This is to show that you have everything that everyone wants but you don't have the means to live like that. As Dave Ramsey would say, rich people drive Toyotas. People are rich because they don't buy everything they see in Temu. Now I do think it is a little rough that he says the only time you can see the inside of a restaurant is if you are working there, but I guess he is right. Money can be saved by spending it towards the good and not the glutton. 

I saw this Instagram reel the other day. The guy does a day in the life. He gets into his car (fully paid for) which drives him from A to B. He drinks his cup of coffee (which he made at home) because it provides him the caffeine he needs for the day. He gets ready to call it a day (by getting into his very small bathroom) to take a shower that provides him warm water. The intent was yes he might not have the newest vehicle on the block or the biggest house. But this place provided him everything he needed to save money to get him to the next step/goal in his life. 

Normalize that. I think if we all normalize feeding our body with good food, having a reasonable amount of clothes to get us through the 4 seasons, and limiting our amount of stuff. I think that would take a great deal of stress off of people's plates. Parents could provide the basic means to provide food, shelter, clothes, and love. Young adults could save money for houses/college. Young kids could understand that sometimes you can't get that candy because the change cup well covers gas today. 

My husband feels bad sometimes that I don't walk around with a $10k wedding ring on my finger. I say two things 1) I got you a pack of silicone rings from Amazon and 2) Do you know what we could do with $10,000?! 

Love is not defined by the amount of money you give or the amount you receive. If you feel that way then you have never read the bible. If you think you are entitled to someone's money then you have never read the bible. 

What you are entitled to do is help out others when you can, treat others the way you would like to be treated, and find peace that you are never alone. 

Food for thought.

Can you take me higher ...

 I don't know why Creed has been stuck in my head lately (this song came out in 1999) but there you go...

I missed the first month of the year blogging because I spent a week in Thailand. People asked me what was my favorite part of Thailand: the food? the 93-degree weather? the blue ocean water? 

No, I would answer it was actually the people. A welcoming country with humble people. In the US we are asked to tip after we get a $7 Starby's drink. In Thailand, you can give a tip worth (USD 1) and people look at you like you've changed their life. The main difference is they earned that tip. They treated you with respect, and love, welcomed you, and had the best hospitality I have ever seen. 

It really put people into perspective for me. You know how you watch those Instagram reels "if he wanted to he would" and "if she wanted to she would" when talking about a spouse/friend/coworker doing something for you because they just care. In the US that seems unheard of, while in Thailand people do kind things for you because they are humble people. 

This also kickstarted documentaries and a rabbit hole for me. I started watching that Netflix documentary (the one with the twins) on food and how in 8 weeks you can really improve your health. The documentary didn't make me a vegan but it sparked my need to want to grow my own food. It validated that we buy our pork and beef from a known farmer. It validated my desire to want to raise chickens. 

Why is food so important to me? Well, you see every February my stomach gets in a knot. My husband and I decided to get married in February and before you laugh I don't get nervous for my anniversary. The same week of our wedding anniversary Josh goes in for his annual colon cancer check-up. We are in good spirits for that because his physical this week concluded that in less than a year he has lost 14lbs and has lowered his cholesterol without the need for medication. Our food choices matter! 

I am in the mindset of quality over quantity. I used to think in my teens and 20's I needed a designer bag or expensive kicks or $80 lotions. In the last year, I have sold all my designer stuff and cleaned the clutter. I would rather be rich in experiences, health, homegrown foods, and kindness. I am not going to lie with coupons I saved $20 at Dollar General last week, buying toilet paper and paper towels. I felt like a champion. It's the little things. I also got a library card and felt like a badass, you can rent books on your Kindle?! 

I try to look out for others and pay it forward when I can. I take into account people are busy and they have their own lives going on. I don't understand the culture of ghosting or not getting back to someone. I don't understand continuously talking poorly about people and then expecting them to be excited to see you and welcome them with open arms. I do understand that people need validation and clarity. We need to know when we've done something wrong or made someone upset. This is how we grow as people. We also reserve the right to make it better or apologize, we may not be forgiven but let's get the chance to make it right. 

So my line for 2024 is: let's be humble.