Tik Tok on the Clock....

Twenty days into the new year, and I'm still strong in my Dry January commitment, despite the frigid temperatures. Believe me, a hot toddy or a glass of wine would be incredibly tempting on these cold nights. But self-discipline truly does taste sweeter.

Instead of setting a traditional New Year's resolution this year, I chose a "word of the year": Consistency. Building on my successful reading goals from the past two years, I aim to consistently read or listen to at least 12 books in 2025. I'm also prioritizing self-care, incorporating consistent walks on the treadmill with a weighted vest and a simplified skincare routine. Let's be honest, I'm not going for a 14-step skincare regimen – a little moisturizer goes a long way.

I have learned to find something to look forward to on Sundays instead of getting the Sunday Scaries. I wake up and watch the local Lutheran Church service while walking on the treadmill. I sing the songs and afterward, spend time understanding the passages. I continue to get better at reading and also am improving my comprehension. Social Media has ruined our ability to focus or pay attention for more than just a 30-second video. I am on the road to taking my patience and focus back.

I have also spent time realizing how lonely life truly is. When I was younger, growing up in a house of 5 siblings all I wanted was some alone time. In college, if I wasn't around my friends, I found myself struggling to focus on any good, only the bad. As an adult sometimes we are around people and we feel more alone. Doom scrolling even while watching TV, which back in the 90s, and early 2000s TV was your "rot day" or your distraction from reality, or a couch potato sick day. I spent time missing how fun life used to be before the only way we would communicate was by sending videos back and forth to each other. 

We must find activities that make us happy and do them, even if we must do it ourselves. If you wait for someone to try something you want to try you could be spending time on a clock you won't get back. The Mary in her 20s would find restaurants or hiking trails or a bucket list trip and take it. Don't let anyone hold you back from trying something new. Not even a family member, boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse, friend, coworker, or heck even your dog. (People will watch your animals)

(Disclaimer when I say try something new I don't mean anything illegal, drugs and breaking the law are bad, very bad.)

Don't decide to be a "lifer" at anything but being yourself. You aren't stuck at any job, and you aren't stuck where you live, now if you have a pet you are stuck with them but that is a choice that was made before you bought or adopted. 

At the end of the day, you are the only one who gets to look back at your life and judge your decisions. Your family and friends can give you advice, but the decisions you make are yours. We aren't getting younger people, I'm getting older writing this post.

Be responsible with your money, spend your time with intent, and don't expect others to make you happy. 

Happy Monday Y'all. 

Another year in the books

These days before the holiday always have me reflecting a bit. 

2024 Oh where did you go? So much has changed this year as we sold a house, bought a home, got a new job, traveled internationally, and did our yearly national park trip. We grew our own vegetables, planted flowers, raised 8 chickens (kept 5 alive from the coyotes), and have farm-fresh eggs. We started making sourdough, renovated the downstairs bathroom, and many other projects around the house. We added a new driver to the family, a new high school graduate, and attended a wedding in June where we added another Miller to the family. 

Overall lots of good obviously I won't list the bad. This time is a time for reflection not a time to add to seasonal depression. 

Main points I learned this year:

• The consumerism chokehold that social media has on us! I started tracking my spending in a spreadsheet and realized I could simmer down on Amazon and Instagram influencers.
• Help others when you can, everything is expensive. Gifts of cash, groceries, and home-cooked meals/treats make such a difference.
• Eat food, real food. You can't say it is more expensive to eat healthy but a bag of Doritos is $7, and a meal at McDonalds is over $15. An Aldi's produce trip is usually $30-40.
• I need a hobby desperately. I like to read but that comes and goes in waves. I have to get away from phone/computer screens after work.
•  Stress is a part of life, stressful situations continue to happen. You continue to grieve and you continue to live. You can't dwell on all the bad things even if it feels like you are drowning. I have made significant progress in this category. I used to be the worst person to have around in a highly tense situation. On Friday Josh woke me up at 2am to drive to the ER because he thought he was having a heart attack. I could of cried or panicked but that just wasn't going to get the job done. When someone we love is going through a stressful situation remaining calm and supportive is the best way you can act. If I started panicking or stressing out that would have made the situation so much worse. 
• Advice, when people ask for it make sure they genuinely care about what you are going to say. I will never question someone's choices in life as it's their life. The problem is people get stuck in life, and to get yourself out of a cycle, a change/decision/action needs to happen. Ask for advice, don't ask for advice, but get yourself out of the rut. Life is too short!

The main learning point:

• At the end of the day there is always someone who is going through something so much worse than you. No, I don't say that as a competition. I say this because do we really want the bad events that happen to us to define who we are as people? How about the way we processed the bad events and came out the other side? I don't want to be known as the daughter whose father doesn't quite remember her anymore or the wife of a man who has to get a colonoscopy every year to check for a possibility of repeat cancer. I want to be known as a person who's willing to help others even though I might need to help myself. I don't want people's pity, I want their friendship. I want to surround myself with people who will make me laugh. I could sit here and say "why me?" or "why can't I just have a normal life"  or  "This isn't fair". But what's the point? 

In 2025, let us not define ourselves with the bad events that have happened to us. Of course, they are a part of who we are, but they are not the only part. We are so much more than our grieving or our bad news. We are writers, singers, poets, dancers, crafters, mechanics, painters, lovers, athletes, readers, fishermen, mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, aunts, uncles..... the list goes on. 

So 2025, My name is Mary Miller, I'm not going to let the bad events in these next 12 months define me, they will just add to my character. 

Taming Anxiety

I recently watched Inside Out 2 on a flight to Paris, and it sparked some self-reflection. As you might know, the film dives into the complexities of human emotions, particularly when they spiral out of control. One scene, in which the character experiences a panic attack, resonated deeply with me. It brought back memories of times when anxiety overwhelmed my own judgment, leading to unnecessary stress and poor decision-making.

This got me thinking about the delicate balance between emotions and logic. As we've all experienced, our ability to think clearly diminishes when emotions take the reins. We become more prone to irrational fears, impulsive actions, and negative thought patterns. Conversely, a calm and rational mind allows us to approach challenges with clarity and perspective.

Inside Out 2 also highlights the importance of joy. When we're able to focus on positive emotions, we open ourselves up to experiences of happiness. Unfortunately, anxiety often overshadows joy, leading us to focus on worst-case scenarios rather than potential opportunities.

I recently had a firsthand experience of this. During our vacation, I allowed anxiety to take over my plans for a train trip to Belgium. Instead of feeling a sense of adventure and freedom, I fixated on a series of "what ifs": What if we miss our flight? What if Josh doesn't enjoy it? What if something goes wrong? By focusing on these negative possibilities, I robbed myself of the chance to truly enjoy the experience.

Have you ever found yourself trapped in a similar cycle of negative thinking?

We've all been there.

A small problem arises, and before we know it, our minds are racing with worst-case scenarios. Anxiety can quickly escalate a minor issue into a full-blown crisis. I find myself trying to approach these situations with a calm and logical mindset. Sometimes my husband has to remind me to reset myself back to this approach. By focusing on the problem at hand and considering potential solutions, we can not only resolve the issue but also gain a sense of confidence.

We can't use anxiety as an excuse or let it win. There is always a way to solve a problem. We have family and friends who can also help. In today's day we have google/AI to even ask questions. When I freaked out about the train, Josh reminded me if we missed it we could rent a car, get another train ticket, get on a bus. No matter what happened we could figure it out. He reminded me that we can't let anxiety dictate our happiness. 

Let Joy win, because why the heck not? Life is to short to be in a constant state of worry. Let's lean into the resources we have and solve problems with a clear mind.

Sunday thoughts.... 

"Even with my baby sitting next to me, I'm a self-sabotagin' suicide machine"

Some of us put so much pressure on ourselves. We want to please a coach, a parent, a boss, or a family member. Some of us constantly feel we disappoint ourselves and can't see past that. Everyone sees us differently, but we always see ourselves in a negative light. We get labeled as quitters, bitches, or other fun names. 

Regardless.

We try to help others to ensure that no one else feels as miserable as we do. We want to spread happiness because we can't find it ourselves. Some people take advantage of us and don't realize that these acts of kindness heal our self-sabotaging. If we can't give it to ourselves, why not give it to others? We tend to forget that we deserve love and grace, too. 

We are constantly questioned about changing our minds. As if it's bad to have new feelings or want to prioritize your time differently. We get scared to say no to something because we don't want to disappoint anyone, yet we are disappointed. We feel pressured to do something because our friends do it or our spouse is involved. 

The pressure builds, and we have a hard time sleeping. We wake up hoping to hide from everything and spend the whole day in bed, which helps us hide from whatever is causing the pain. The next day, you wake up realizing you can't spend every day in bed. You start to make little decisions that make you feel better. You start to care less about what others think of your decisions. This slowly gives you the confidence to finally just throw the middle finger up and say if you don't like it, well, then F-off. This feeling is as freeing as driving down the road with the windows down in the summer. You feel alive again and have goosebumps on your arm. 

Then something bad happens. 

It could be anything from "Did you hear what so and so said about you" to "Hey, dad's in the hospital again." You try to stop your heart from sinking but find yourself back on your mattress. When people ask me what depression feels like, this is it. It looks different to everyone. It feels different for everyone. Most of the time, you don't even know someone feels this way. 

If you take anything from this blog post, take this: It is okay to change your mind, to take a different path than you intended, to stop fearing what others think, to follow your gut. 

That said, I am not running the Chicago Marathon. I thought long and hard about it. I find no joy in running like that anymore, and my mind is not in the shape it needs to be for this race. I need to prioritize my time in caring for my mind and body. Putting it through a grueling 26 miles is self-sabotaging. 

Let's stop self-sabotaging. The world is mean enough, so let's at least be nice to ourselves. 

Thank you for taking the time to sit in my brain today.

I don't know about you But I'm feeling thirty-two?!

 I have been thinking about age lately, not the number as much as health. My dad had a heart attack a couple weeks ago and his body has not been kind to him for the last 2 years. The problem is he isn't even 70 yet. 

What I have learned about age in the last couple of years is that it really doesn't mean anything, other than a few key milestones by law: 18,21, and 25? I think that's the rental car one. Obviously, health and exercise matters, and my dad was a gym rat. He doesn't have issues walking upstairs, he eats well and stays as active as his body will now let him. 

It is July which means I turn another year older this week. I think to myself what does a healthy 32-year-old look like. 

• I got an Oura ring to track my cardiovascular health and sleep. So far I love it, I would recommend it over an Apple watch as the battery life is amazing, and no notifications!
•  I set a goal to reduce my screen time, this one is tough. I get my screen-time report every Sunday, averaging 4 hours a day which turns on my engineering brain. 4hr/day, 365 days/yr, that's 1460 hr./year. This means I spend 60 days a year straight scrolling, which is a tough pill to swallow. 16% of the year I spend on my phone. The only benefit? I can keep in touch with my family and friends. Additional "benefits" of using my phone include fatigue, depression, and wasting time and money. 
•  After getting a medical massage, I learned I need to stretch more and strengthen my muscles. I signed up for some yoga/strength classes to see how that helps. 

People older than me are reading this thinking "She's so young, she shouldn't have issues yet", but young is the perspective. I think high schoolers are young. People in their 60s think I'm young. People in their 70s think 40-50-year-olds are young. That's why I started this out with I think about age but not as the number. Some 60-year-olds run marathons and some 40-year-olds have a hard time bending down to pick up stuff off the floor. We need to take care of our bodies so our bodies take care of us. I remember laughing in my 20s as someone gave me that advice. Take care of my body, what does that mean?

In life we want people to understand us, or understand what we are going through. It's nice to hear people say you are so strong and you can get through anything. Thank you, but to be honest I don't want to be strong all the time. I grew up handling my own emotions and being strong for myself and others. It is exhausting. You see when you "are so strong" people don't check in on you. They don't ask you how you are or just listen to how you feel. When you are strong people constantly call you to vent, ask how your spouse is doing, and ask for advice/recommendations/suggestions. They get what they need from you because "well Mary is so strong, she will get through anything". 

I would hope people aren't reading this in a negative light. I love being there for people, helping people, and being that reliable call. I love surprising people with gifts or homemade cookies. I enjoy helping people find their happiness and what brings them joy. 

My question back to you is: who is that person in your life right now that you believe is SO strong. When was the last time you genuinely asked them how they were doing? I guarantee it will make their day. 

Let's take care of our bodies so our bodies take care of us. Let's take care of our friends/family because in the world we live in, especially right now, we could use some kindness and love. 

Perfect is good enough

 My views of perfection started at a really young age. I prided myself on never missing a school day and carrying around my perfect attendance award. I remember being the first in my third-grade class to complete the multiplication tables without a single mistake. I remember winning a Scrabble tournament in 5th grade because I would religiously practice spelling. I collected a trophy for being the most athletic female in my class, the most improved, and was chosen for many choir solos. If I practiced and practiced, well perfect is good enough. 

But I also remember the first test I ever failed. It was my driver's test and I was crushed. I didn't know what failing felt like and I hated myself for it. I beat myself up for failing because it was all my fault. To this day I don't enjoy driving and would rather walk. Failure and I were not friends. 

In the early stages of my career, I climbed the ladder of promotions because if I did my job perfectly and checked all the boxes how could I not? I held myself to a standard and thought that everyone should do the same. Well, failure wasn't the only thing that kicked my ass, reality came into play. Life isn't fair, ever heard of that one?

All of a sudden being perfect was just an expectation I put on myself, the only person that cared if I was perfect was me. After multiple attempts at journaling, BetterHelp therapists, and meditation. I started seeing a Life Coach a couple months ago. I am learning to set healthy boundaries around others and myself. I am learning that what I want in life is what I want and that is totally fine. It's okay to not want an inflatable hot tub or a closet full of clothes I'll never wear. I mean you can only wear one outfit a day, right? It's okay to not be an executive before the age of 35. Even though others have done it.

My husband and I are challenged daily with trying to do the right thing and not piss someone off. The problem is no matter how many times we weigh our decisions or try to help, we still piss someone off. No matter how nice, no matter how much we try to contribute, no matter how perfect we try to be it's never enough. At the end of the day whether we are sitting by ourselves at a school event or at the dinner table or on the deck after a long day. As long as we have each other, that is good enough!

As of today my trophies/certificates of perfection sit in a suitcase that I will eventually have to move out of my parent's house. As I get older I will learn to not let my failures define me. I will not let someone's mom make me feel less than. I will not change who I am for someone's approval even if they are family. 

I will continue to help others, continue to fail, and continue to show up for my family and their events. My life coach asked me why I give so much of myself to others. I responded, "I never want anyone to feel like their life doesn't matter. I will do whatever I can to prove to someone that they shouldn't hurt themselves".  

Most days I don't recognize me ..

 After watching the New Richmond Show Choir performance, I decided to sit and watch the musical The Waitress. This song "She Used to Be Mine" was stuck in my head repeatedly. I'm not going to lie to y'all I cried my eyes out at the musical even at the funny parts. A waitress who pours everything into her pies, her patrons, and her family. She winds up finding out she's pregnant and works even harder. She has the baby and finds the strength inside to gain back her freedom.

 DISCLAIMER: Before anyone starts a rumor, I am NOT pregnant. I prefer baking cookies over pie and I wouldn't say the people I serve in my life are patrons at a diner. 

Whoof now that, that's behind us. I think the song can relate to so many people.

• Parents with young children who run around day/night and barely find time for themselves. 
• Parents who "seem to never be around" in their children's eyes, but in the background are grinding away at work to provide for their family.
• Young adults who are living on their own don't have that sense of comfort from living with their parents. Additionally the unknown of starting your own life as an independent. 
• Graduating seniors who used to feel like kids are now starting life outside of the 12 years of schooling, a life with a less formal schedule.
• A 16-year-old who just got their license now realizes the amount of responsibility it takes to have a license and the cost it entails.
• Maybe you went from being single to being married and now you have joint accounts, joint decisions, and joint responsibilities.  

The summary is we go through portions in our lives where we don't recognize who we are because we are so different from who we used to be. We go through times when life used to be simple and now feels so complex. What do you mean I have to coordinate with my husband every day on what we are having for dinner?!? It's comical but before when you were single eating a box of crackers and some cheese probably seemed like enough. We spent so much time wishing we were older when we were younger. Wishing we had more money instead of enjoying what we can actually afford. 

As I ripped off the month of April from our calendar, I started to wonder where did the last 4 months go? I spend so much time wishing/hoping to get to a date or a time. Everything will be less stressful after XX or if we just make it to XX. Valuable time is passing by, time you can't get back. In some cases the person you used to be you can't get back. 

How do we learn to be content with what we have or who we are? That my friend is not easy to answer and it isn't a pill you take to feel better. I started working with a coach to help guide myself to that place of content. Sometimes you can't do it on your own and that is quite alright. 

It is okay to not recognize yourself anymore. It's okay to have to have a good cry. Today I stare outside my window and realize I should just be truly blessed I can experience this sunny day. 

Please take advantage of the sun, don't make any excuses, and breathe the fresh air.