Let them? Let me? Help me...

I recently finished reading Mel Robbins' book, Let Them. There were parts of the book that made me roll my eyes, like the notion that "no one can ruin your day; you are letting them." I mean, come on—there are definitely people who can ruin my day. That said, I appreciate the underlying message: we often give others the power to impact how we feel, and ultimately, that responsibility lies with us.

For the past few years living in Wisconsin, I’ve blamed my husband for my lack of friends. With my family living over 1,700 miles away, making friends as an adult has been quite the challenge. Mel Robbins reminded me that this is really a "Mary problem." You can't meet new people by staying home, feeding your chickens, and sipping a Michelob Ultra on the porch. Oofta! This means I need to step out of my comfort zone and start striking up conversations with people in public to forge connections. See why the porch seems so inviting? 

I understand the Let Them concept, especially the idea that we can't control others. People make decisions every day that make me think, "Eh, I wouldn’t do that," but as Mel points out, my opinions really don't matter in the grand scheme. I particularly enjoyed her thoughts on parent-child relationships. Growing up, it was more important for me to navigate my struggles rather than have my parents just throw money at my problems. I learned that to be truly independent, my parents were better off as an advice sounding board than a bank. It didn’t stop me from eating ramen or PB&J sandwiches, but I did what I had to do to stand on my own. To this day, if I need a comfort meal, I heat up a bowl of ramen, it reminds me of how far I've come.

What struck me the most was the "Let Me" concept. We hold the responsibility for our own happiness and for safeguarding our peace. This year, I’ve been focusing heavily on protecting my peace. However, both concepts—"Let Me" and "Let Them"—can feel somewhat isolating. When you allow others to pursue their own paths while you focus on yours, it can leave you feeling like you’re back well, on my porch. I understand that wasn’t the main message of the book, but I’ve been experiencing a sense of loneliness lately. This past Father's Day was particularly challenging for me. Growing up in a family of eight, we were a tight-knit unit; no one could disrupt our bond except us. I’ve carried this sense of loyalty into my support for my husband and friends. This is where the "Let Them" concept can be disheartening, especially for those of us who genuinely wish the best for everyone. Just to clarify, I’m not seeking recognition or anything in return for my kindness. I’ve come to realize that simply being present or consistently doing things for someone doesn’t guarantee their care or respect. That realization can be quite a lonely one.

Cherish the years that you struggled, it gives you something to look back on and smile. I remember living in a hole in the wall with a black lab puppy in Northern California. Now that same black lab has 20 acres to roam. 

Thanks Dad

Last Sunday, I received a call from my mom that my father died. I’m not sure why people think that because my dad was sick this news was any easier. All I could think about was the finality of death. The fact my dad wasn’t going to get better or attend any more family events. The fact that he was 69 and how young he was when he passed.

At first I was angry. Angry that other people don’t take care of their bodies yet my dad worked out everyday and didn’t see the age of 70. His age never defined who he was or what he was capable of. I was angry that people who I barely speak to reached out to see if I was okay, yet most other days I never hear from them. Then I was sad, sad that I didn’t have the closest relationship to my dad because he seemed to be extra hard on me. I then felt jealous, jealous that my husband had such a close knit relationship with his dad or that my younger siblings had a different experience with our dad. 

The emotional rollercoaster this week never ended. I didn’t want to be told how strong I was or how tough. All I wanted to do was sit in silence and try to understand what just happened. The house I grew up in filled with flowers this week. We were blessed with many delicious meals and many beautiful cards. We celebrated my Dad’s life at Beardslee Castle the restaurant we went every Thanksgiving. We closed the chapter at Beardlsee Castle, this Thanksgiving we will have to start a new tradition. A 30+ year old tradition has now ended.

As I am getting ready to fly back to Wisconsin and bracing myself for the start of the work week. I am a little speechless. A week after my Dad died, life has to resume. Life has to go on. I can’t fixate on death when I still have life to live. It reminded me to keep my most treasured relationships close and continue to invest time into those who truly love me. 

I want my mom to continue to live life and look forward to the next chapter. I love seeing my siblings with their significant others continuing to love and be loved. Luckily for Josh, I am going to double down on our diet again as I have to keep him healthy for as long as humanly possible. 

Thank you Dad. Thank you for being hard on me and pushing me constantly to never settle. Thank you for the tough love as it made me stronger especially in a male dominated field. Thank you for loving mom and showing me the importance of supporting your spouse and their decisions. You both truly were in lock step raising us. Neither of you put each other down and showed an alliance. Most importantly thank you for constantly seeing the good in people and not caring what people thought of you. You lived your life the way you wanted to live it: on Bob Adams time. 

Why I choose honesty

It's only early March, and already, I feel like I've packed a year's worth of accomplishment into these first few months. January saw me tackle a sober month, a challenge I met head-on. Consistent workouts, four to five times a week, have become a non-negotiable part of my routine. And now, as Lent begins, I'm choosing to extend that sobriety further, committing to a period without alcohol. Beyond the physical, I've also found a rhythm with virtual church services – a testament to how adaptable we've all become – and read eight books, discovering the magic of audiobooks to keep my mind engaged.

But here's a thought: what if I made it all up?

Why would I even consider that? The truth is, I grew up with a mother who possessed the ability to see through any facade. There was no point in attempting a poker face or concealing anything. Honesty wasn't just a virtue; it was the only option. She fostered a culture where calling her for a ride after a party was always safer than drunk driving, where owning up to a fender bender was a given, and where her gut instincts about people, often proven right, were respected. She could even seemingly guess the cost of an impulse buy with accuracy – not magic, just the wisdom of lived experience.

That upbringing instilled in me a deep understanding that lying isn't just morally wrong; it's disrespectful. It implies a lack of respect for the intelligence of the person being deceived. "Do you think I'm stupid?" – a question I've heard, and perhaps asked countless times. As a child, I didn't fully grasp the inherent disrespect in dishonesty. I often justified it as a means of protection, for myself or others, but in reality, I was doing neither.

As I have aged, I can see how my mom developed her instincts. In an industry where I work with a lot of people, you learn a lot about people. You can tell when people lie, it's very apparent. I have learned to take certain conversations at face value, while also figuring out people that I trust. I realized it's not worth lying about something to get someone's approval. I was worried when I first introduced my husband to my family they weren't going to approve. But lying about any part of him would have been disrespecting him and myself. 

As I start to think about the other lies/stupid stuff I did...

 Did I spend way too much money on a golden doodle? Absolutely but I'm not going to lie about it, Bailey was a choice that I made. Did I spend $10,000 so I could drive a Mini Cooper and pretend I was in the Italian Job? 100% the worst purchase I made and I ate ramen to afford the payments. Did I keep my hair platinum blonde for some time because the guy I was with liked blondes? You betcha, I damaged the crap out of my hair while also not just admitting I am a natural brunette. We do silly things for the approval of others, we say silly things for people to like us. But the reality is the truth is so much easier. It's easier than losing money on a bad purchase, ruining your hair, or most importantly damaging a relationship with a family member.

It sounds so simple, but the truth really does set you free. You don't have to remember the lies you told or keep up with them. 

At the end of the day, it's hey this is who I am and this is what I got going on. Listen to advice from those trying to help, and do your best to get better at decision making.

If you take anything from this post, don't lie to your parents. The future is uncertain, and there's a possibility they'll lose their memories. There's a possibility that someday they will forget who you are and then the lies you told them really are pointless.  

Choose Honesty. 

Tik Tok on the Clock....

Twenty days into the new year, and I'm still strong in my Dry January commitment, despite the frigid temperatures. Believe me, a hot toddy or a glass of wine would be incredibly tempting on these cold nights. But self-discipline truly does taste sweeter.

Instead of setting a traditional New Year's resolution this year, I chose a "word of the year": Consistency. Building on my successful reading goals from the past two years, I aim to consistently read or listen to at least 12 books in 2025. I'm also prioritizing self-care, incorporating consistent walks on the treadmill with a weighted vest and a simplified skincare routine. Let's be honest, I'm not going for a 14-step skincare regimen – a little moisturizer goes a long way.

I have learned to find something to look forward to on Sundays instead of getting the Sunday Scaries. I wake up and watch the local Lutheran Church service while walking on the treadmill. I sing the songs and afterward, spend time understanding the passages. I continue to get better at reading and also am improving my comprehension. Social Media has ruined our ability to focus or pay attention for more than just a 30-second video. I am on the road to taking my patience and focus back.

I have also spent time realizing how lonely life truly is. When I was younger, growing up in a house of 5 siblings all I wanted was some alone time. In college, if I wasn't around my friends, I found myself struggling to focus on any good, only the bad. As an adult sometimes we are around people and we feel more alone. Doom scrolling even while watching TV, which back in the 90s, and early 2000s TV was your "rot day" or your distraction from reality, or a couch potato sick day. I spent time missing how fun life used to be before the only way we would communicate was by sending videos back and forth to each other. 

We must find activities that make us happy and do them, even if we must do it ourselves. If you wait for someone to try something you want to try you could be spending time on a clock you won't get back. The Mary in her 20s would find restaurants or hiking trails or a bucket list trip and take it. Don't let anyone hold you back from trying something new. Not even a family member, boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse, friend, coworker, or heck even your dog. (People will watch your animals)

(Disclaimer when I say try something new I don't mean anything illegal, drugs and breaking the law are bad, very bad.)

Don't decide to be a "lifer" at anything but being yourself. You aren't stuck at any job, and you aren't stuck where you live, now if you have a pet you are stuck with them but that is a choice that was made before you bought or adopted. 

At the end of the day, you are the only one who gets to look back at your life and judge your decisions. Your family and friends can give you advice, but the decisions you make are yours. We aren't getting younger people, I'm getting older writing this post.

Be responsible with your money, spend your time with intent, and don't expect others to make you happy. 

Happy Monday Y'all. 

Another year in the books

These days before the holiday always have me reflecting a bit. 

2024 Oh where did you go? So much has changed this year as we sold a house, bought a home, got a new job, traveled internationally, and did our yearly national park trip. We grew our own vegetables, planted flowers, raised 8 chickens (kept 5 alive from the coyotes), and have farm-fresh eggs. We started making sourdough, renovated the downstairs bathroom, and many other projects around the house. We added a new driver to the family, a new high school graduate, and attended a wedding in June where we added another Miller to the family. 

Overall lots of good obviously I won't list the bad. This time is a time for reflection not a time to add to seasonal depression. 

Main points I learned this year:

• The consumerism chokehold that social media has on us! I started tracking my spending in a spreadsheet and realized I could simmer down on Amazon and Instagram influencers.
• Help others when you can, everything is expensive. Gifts of cash, groceries, and home-cooked meals/treats make such a difference.
• Eat food, real food. You can't say it is more expensive to eat healthy but a bag of Doritos is $7, and a meal at McDonalds is over $15. An Aldi's produce trip is usually $30-40.
• I need a hobby desperately. I like to read but that comes and goes in waves. I have to get away from phone/computer screens after work.
•  Stress is a part of life, stressful situations continue to happen. You continue to grieve and you continue to live. You can't dwell on all the bad things even if it feels like you are drowning. I have made significant progress in this category. I used to be the worst person to have around in a highly tense situation. On Friday Josh woke me up at 2am to drive to the ER because he thought he was having a heart attack. I could of cried or panicked but that just wasn't going to get the job done. When someone we love is going through a stressful situation remaining calm and supportive is the best way you can act. If I started panicking or stressing out that would have made the situation so much worse. 
• Advice, when people ask for it make sure they genuinely care about what you are going to say. I will never question someone's choices in life as it's their life. The problem is people get stuck in life, and to get yourself out of a cycle, a change/decision/action needs to happen. Ask for advice, don't ask for advice, but get yourself out of the rut. Life is too short!

The main learning point:

• At the end of the day there is always someone who is going through something so much worse than you. No, I don't say that as a competition. I say this because do we really want the bad events that happen to us to define who we are as people? How about the way we processed the bad events and came out the other side? I don't want to be known as the daughter whose father doesn't quite remember her anymore or the wife of a man who has to get a colonoscopy every year to check for a possibility of repeat cancer. I want to be known as a person who's willing to help others even though I might need to help myself. I don't want people's pity, I want their friendship. I want to surround myself with people who will make me laugh. I could sit here and say "why me?" or "why can't I just have a normal life"  or  "This isn't fair". But what's the point? 

In 2025, let us not define ourselves with the bad events that have happened to us. Of course, they are a part of who we are, but they are not the only part. We are so much more than our grieving or our bad news. We are writers, singers, poets, dancers, crafters, mechanics, painters, lovers, athletes, readers, fishermen, mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, aunts, uncles..... the list goes on. 

So 2025, My name is Mary Miller, I'm not going to let the bad events in these next 12 months define me, they will just add to my character. 

Taming Anxiety

I recently watched Inside Out 2 on a flight to Paris, and it sparked some self-reflection. As you might know, the film dives into the complexities of human emotions, particularly when they spiral out of control. One scene, in which the character experiences a panic attack, resonated deeply with me. It brought back memories of times when anxiety overwhelmed my own judgment, leading to unnecessary stress and poor decision-making.

This got me thinking about the delicate balance between emotions and logic. As we've all experienced, our ability to think clearly diminishes when emotions take the reins. We become more prone to irrational fears, impulsive actions, and negative thought patterns. Conversely, a calm and rational mind allows us to approach challenges with clarity and perspective.

Inside Out 2 also highlights the importance of joy. When we're able to focus on positive emotions, we open ourselves up to experiences of happiness. Unfortunately, anxiety often overshadows joy, leading us to focus on worst-case scenarios rather than potential opportunities.

I recently had a firsthand experience of this. During our vacation, I allowed anxiety to take over my plans for a train trip to Belgium. Instead of feeling a sense of adventure and freedom, I fixated on a series of "what ifs": What if we miss our flight? What if Josh doesn't enjoy it? What if something goes wrong? By focusing on these negative possibilities, I robbed myself of the chance to truly enjoy the experience.

Have you ever found yourself trapped in a similar cycle of negative thinking?

We've all been there.

A small problem arises, and before we know it, our minds are racing with worst-case scenarios. Anxiety can quickly escalate a minor issue into a full-blown crisis. I find myself trying to approach these situations with a calm and logical mindset. Sometimes my husband has to remind me to reset myself back to this approach. By focusing on the problem at hand and considering potential solutions, we can not only resolve the issue but also gain a sense of confidence.

We can't use anxiety as an excuse or let it win. There is always a way to solve a problem. We have family and friends who can also help. In today's day we have google/AI to even ask questions. When I freaked out about the train, Josh reminded me if we missed it we could rent a car, get another train ticket, get on a bus. No matter what happened we could figure it out. He reminded me that we can't let anxiety dictate our happiness. 

Let Joy win, because why the heck not? Life is to short to be in a constant state of worry. Let's lean into the resources we have and solve problems with a clear mind.

Sunday thoughts.... 

"Even with my baby sitting next to me, I'm a self-sabotagin' suicide machine"

Some of us put so much pressure on ourselves. We want to please a coach, a parent, a boss, or a family member. Some of us constantly feel we disappoint ourselves and can't see past that. Everyone sees us differently, but we always see ourselves in a negative light. We get labeled as quitters, bitches, or other fun names. 

Regardless.

We try to help others to ensure that no one else feels as miserable as we do. We want to spread happiness because we can't find it ourselves. Some people take advantage of us and don't realize that these acts of kindness heal our self-sabotaging. If we can't give it to ourselves, why not give it to others? We tend to forget that we deserve love and grace, too. 

We are constantly questioned about changing our minds. As if it's bad to have new feelings or want to prioritize your time differently. We get scared to say no to something because we don't want to disappoint anyone, yet we are disappointed. We feel pressured to do something because our friends do it or our spouse is involved. 

The pressure builds, and we have a hard time sleeping. We wake up hoping to hide from everything and spend the whole day in bed, which helps us hide from whatever is causing the pain. The next day, you wake up realizing you can't spend every day in bed. You start to make little decisions that make you feel better. You start to care less about what others think of your decisions. This slowly gives you the confidence to finally just throw the middle finger up and say if you don't like it, well, then F-off. This feeling is as freeing as driving down the road with the windows down in the summer. You feel alive again and have goosebumps on your arm. 

Then something bad happens. 

It could be anything from "Did you hear what so and so said about you" to "Hey, dad's in the hospital again." You try to stop your heart from sinking but find yourself back on your mattress. When people ask me what depression feels like, this is it. It looks different to everyone. It feels different for everyone. Most of the time, you don't even know someone feels this way. 

If you take anything from this blog post, take this: It is okay to change your mind, to take a different path than you intended, to stop fearing what others think, to follow your gut. 

That said, I am not running the Chicago Marathon. I thought long and hard about it. I find no joy in running like that anymore, and my mind is not in the shape it needs to be for this race. I need to prioritize my time in caring for my mind and body. Putting it through a grueling 26 miles is self-sabotaging. 

Let's stop self-sabotaging. The world is mean enough, so let's at least be nice to ourselves. 

Thank you for taking the time to sit in my brain today.