Have you ever angry cried?

 Growing up my mom called it the "Wieboldt" temper (her maiden name). Some of us had it and others didn't. I never really got angry. I couldn't understand the feeling. Then I got older... 

I got older and I got angry. I started to get protective over my family and friends. I hated when someone made them feel bad. I always prided myself on being emotionless, I didn't really cry that much in my 20s and I just took life how it came. Then I got married to a very emotional man, and well I cried. I hate it and I cry. 

Lately, I have been writing about not being able to understand people. I spend a lot of time getting to know my husband. We have taken personality tests, enneagram tests, color tests, and galore. He knows what makes me tick and I have learned what bothers him. 

I grew up with 5 siblings, in a house that well for 8 people had 1 bathroom. We learned about patience, time management, and how to respect someone's space. All from that 1 bathroom. We didn't have a lot of money but we had a lot of love. We sat down for dinner every night, we did chores, and we played outside. We got in our fair share of trouble but we also made our fair share of outside games. I learned many things from my mom. The most important, work hard no one can say anything about you if you work hard. I worked hard. We went to public school and did just fine. I graduated high school in the top 10, graduated from one of the top engineering schools, and landed a job in DC right after graduation. I traveled to many cities and met a lot of people. I worked countless hours to pay off all $40k  of my student loans by age 25. I saved up money to travel to different countries. I have put myself through 6 very straining marathons. I have grieved over lost family members and have experienced my fair share of trauma. I have survived depressing times even when they seemed very dark. I bought my first house before I was 30. I married a man who has kids of his own, something I knew my body wasn't capable of doing. 

When reading that did you think about what I looked like at all, or how much money I had in my bank account? No, you read it like damn I have been through a lot too Mary. I have seen some things. I have accomplished my own milestones. I have my own story. 

You ABSOLUTELY do. No one had to tell me that I did all those things. No one had to explain to me how those things affected my life. 

We are in the year 2023, We live in a world where people go, "Well how is XX doing?', instead of just asking them themselves. We live in a world where we apologize over text messages, well because that should just solve everything. We live in a world where WORDS hurt more than being in actual pain because when your mind is sad you can't just take an Advil. 

I refuse to do that. If I want to know how someone is I text/call them when they have time. If I messed up I own up to my mistakes. If I have a problem with someone I list out what they did to make me feel that way, regardless of "how I took it". You can ask my family, there is nothing fake about me. I am pretty transparent.

People are human beings. When someone hurts someone so bad that they cry or feel depressed, I think of my cousin. My cousin, three years ago committed suicide because he had a girlfriend that he truly loved. She decided to send him texts and play with his emotions. Out of deep depression, he felt worthless, he felt like he wasn't good enough, and he was never going to reach the bar. He wasn't good enough for his girlfriend. Someone died because of someone's words. 

In return, all we got was, he understood me wrong. I didn't say it like that. Someone else said that not me. 

That's why I angrily cried today. Words are not just words. 

Shout it from the rooftops!

Why do people have to be so mean? Today I was told by someone at work we are building a hospital, not a simple sports project. It's funny how you can be told something at 6:30 am and it lingers with you all day. There are plenty of people that I don't understand. 

• I don't understand the person that explains how you feel when they didn't go through your situation and/or they weren't around during your time of grief. I understand the people who try to relate to your personal problems to provide comfort that you are not alone. I just don't need to be told how I feel or should feel.

• I don't understand the person that says "Oh we gave you the idea to do that". For example, as we got back from Alaska, our neighbors packed for their trip and headed to the airport. I didn't think to myself "thank god I gave them the idea to go".  I was jealous that I had to come back. The best part about traveling is everyone has their OWN reason to do it, don't be so self-absorbed to think people only do things because you did them first. 

• I don't understand the person that is obsessed with weight. I get it. I do, we grew up focusing on our weight all the time. The key word is we focused on OUR weight. We didn't value people because of their weight. To quote my sister, "Your weight is the LEAST interesting thing about you". You, my friend, are worth so much more than a number or the size of your jeans. I struggle with this daily but I will never let my weight define me. I will never let weight define anyone, especially my family. 

• I don't understand the person that has to tell me about how people feel about me or my family. I don't actually care if this random person doesn't like my brother, sister, or brother-in-law. My family is my family. I'm the only one that can bust their balls. No matter what I would have their back and defend them at any time. If you are interested in being a part of my family, I'd expect you to do the same. 

• Lastly, I don't understand the person that obsesses over how messed up a person/family is. My favorite was recently someone commented, "Well you can tell she's a stepmom and not a real mom". That's your opinion but quite frankly there are moms that abandon their kids, and there are stepmoms that don't even give their stepchildren the time of day. Thank you for grading my parenting but I'm just not here for it. I don't care if the way my family expresses themselves isn't the same way you would. What works for us, won't work for everyone. 

I have just had the urge to scream today. Just to tell all of the mean people in my life to just give it a rest. Let us live. Stop trying to be the drama queen of the family, stop trying to hold us together. To be honest with my husband I feel like we can conquer all. 

I hope everyone finds their partner in crime in life. May that person get you through all the people you don't understand. The world doesn't need any more judgment. Try saying something nice to someone today.