Growing up my mom called it the "Wieboldt" temper (her maiden name). Some of us had it and others didn't. I never really got angry. I couldn't understand the feeling. Then I got older...
I got older and I got angry. I started to get protective over my family and friends. I hated when someone made them feel bad. I always prided myself on being emotionless, I didn't really cry that much in my 20s and I just took life how it came. Then I got married to a very emotional man, and well I cried. I hate it and I cry.
Lately, I have been writing about not being able to understand people. I spend a lot of time getting to know my husband. We have taken personality tests, enneagram tests, color tests, and galore. He knows what makes me tick and I have learned what bothers him.
I grew up with 5 siblings, in a house that well for 8 people had 1 bathroom. We learned about patience, time management, and how to respect someone's space. All from that 1 bathroom. We didn't have a lot of money but we had a lot of love. We sat down for dinner every night, we did chores, and we played outside. We got in our fair share of trouble but we also made our fair share of outside games. I learned many things from my mom. The most important, work hard no one can say anything about you if you work hard. I worked hard. We went to public school and did just fine. I graduated high school in the top 10, graduated from one of the top engineering schools, and landed a job in DC right after graduation. I traveled to many cities and met a lot of people. I worked countless hours to pay off all $40k of my student loans by age 25. I saved up money to travel to different countries. I have put myself through 6 very straining marathons. I have grieved over lost family members and have experienced my fair share of trauma. I have survived depressing times even when they seemed very dark. I bought my first house before I was 30. I married a man who has kids of his own, something I knew my body wasn't capable of doing.
When reading that did you think about what I looked like at all, or how much money I had in my bank account? No, you read it like damn I have been through a lot too Mary. I have seen some things. I have accomplished my own milestones. I have my own story.
You ABSOLUTELY do. No one had to tell me that I did all those things. No one had to explain to me how those things affected my life.
We are in the year 2023, We live in a world where people go, "Well how is XX doing?', instead of just asking them themselves. We live in a world where we apologize over text messages, well because that should just solve everything. We live in a world where WORDS hurt more than being in actual pain because when your mind is sad you can't just take an Advil.
I refuse to do that. If I want to know how someone is I text/call them when they have time. If I messed up I own up to my mistakes. If I have a problem with someone I list out what they did to make me feel that way, regardless of "how I took it". You can ask my family, there is nothing fake about me. I am pretty transparent.
People are human beings. When someone hurts someone so bad that they cry or feel depressed, I think of my cousin. My cousin, three years ago committed suicide because he had a girlfriend that he truly loved. She decided to send him texts and play with his emotions. Out of deep depression, he felt worthless, he felt like he wasn't good enough, and he was never going to reach the bar. He wasn't good enough for his girlfriend. Someone died because of someone's words.
In return, all we got was, he understood me wrong. I didn't say it like that. Someone else said that not me.
That's why I angrily cried today. Words are not just words.
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