Perfect is good enough

 My views of perfection started at a really young age. I prided myself on never missing a school day and carrying around my perfect attendance award. I remember being the first in my third-grade class to complete the multiplication tables without a single mistake. I remember winning a Scrabble tournament in 5th grade because I would religiously practice spelling. I collected a trophy for being the most athletic female in my class, the most improved, and was chosen for many choir solos. If I practiced and practiced, well perfect is good enough. 

But I also remember the first test I ever failed. It was my driver's test and I was crushed. I didn't know what failing felt like and I hated myself for it. I beat myself up for failing because it was all my fault. To this day I don't enjoy driving and would rather walk. Failure and I were not friends. 

In the early stages of my career, I climbed the ladder of promotions because if I did my job perfectly and checked all the boxes how could I not? I held myself to a standard and thought that everyone should do the same. Well, failure wasn't the only thing that kicked my ass, reality came into play. Life isn't fair, ever heard of that one?

All of a sudden being perfect was just an expectation I put on myself, the only person that cared if I was perfect was me. After multiple attempts at journaling, BetterHelp therapists, and meditation. I started seeing a Life Coach a couple months ago. I am learning to set healthy boundaries around others and myself. I am learning that what I want in life is what I want and that is totally fine. It's okay to not want an inflatable hot tub or a closet full of clothes I'll never wear. I mean you can only wear one outfit a day, right? It's okay to not be an executive before the age of 35. Even though others have done it.

My husband and I are challenged daily with trying to do the right thing and not piss someone off. The problem is no matter how many times we weigh our decisions or try to help, we still piss someone off. No matter how nice, no matter how much we try to contribute, no matter how perfect we try to be it's never enough. At the end of the day whether we are sitting by ourselves at a school event or at the dinner table or on the deck after a long day. As long as we have each other, that is good enough!

As of today my trophies/certificates of perfection sit in a suitcase that I will eventually have to move out of my parent's house. As I get older I will learn to not let my failures define me. I will not let someone's mom make me feel less than. I will not change who I am for someone's approval even if they are family. 

I will continue to help others, continue to fail, and continue to show up for my family and their events. My life coach asked me why I give so much of myself to others. I responded, "I never want anyone to feel like their life doesn't matter. I will do whatever I can to prove to someone that they shouldn't hurt themselves".  

Most days I don't recognize me ..

 After watching the New Richmond Show Choir performance, I decided to sit and watch the musical The Waitress. This song "She Used to Be Mine" was stuck in my head repeatedly. I'm not going to lie to y'all I cried my eyes out at the musical even at the funny parts. A waitress who pours everything into her pies, her patrons, and her family. She winds up finding out she's pregnant and works even harder. She has the baby and finds the strength inside to gain back her freedom.

 DISCLAIMER: Before anyone starts a rumor, I am NOT pregnant. I prefer baking cookies over pie and I wouldn't say the people I serve in my life are patrons at a diner. 

Whoof now that, that's behind us. I think the song can relate to so many people.

• Parents with young children who run around day/night and barely find time for themselves. 
• Parents who "seem to never be around" in their children's eyes, but in the background are grinding away at work to provide for their family.
• Young adults who are living on their own don't have that sense of comfort from living with their parents. Additionally the unknown of starting your own life as an independent. 
• Graduating seniors who used to feel like kids are now starting life outside of the 12 years of schooling, a life with a less formal schedule.
• A 16-year-old who just got their license now realizes the amount of responsibility it takes to have a license and the cost it entails.
• Maybe you went from being single to being married and now you have joint accounts, joint decisions, and joint responsibilities.  

The summary is we go through portions in our lives where we don't recognize who we are because we are so different from who we used to be. We go through times when life used to be simple and now feels so complex. What do you mean I have to coordinate with my husband every day on what we are having for dinner?!? It's comical but before when you were single eating a box of crackers and some cheese probably seemed like enough. We spent so much time wishing we were older when we were younger. Wishing we had more money instead of enjoying what we can actually afford. 

As I ripped off the month of April from our calendar, I started to wonder where did the last 4 months go? I spend so much time wishing/hoping to get to a date or a time. Everything will be less stressful after XX or if we just make it to XX. Valuable time is passing by, time you can't get back. In some cases the person you used to be you can't get back. 

How do we learn to be content with what we have or who we are? That my friend is not easy to answer and it isn't a pill you take to feel better. I started working with a coach to help guide myself to that place of content. Sometimes you can't do it on your own and that is quite alright. 

It is okay to not recognize yourself anymore. It's okay to have to have a good cry. Today I stare outside my window and realize I should just be truly blessed I can experience this sunny day. 

Please take advantage of the sun, don't make any excuses, and breathe the fresh air.