Perfect is good enough

 My views of perfection started at a really young age. I prided myself on never missing a school day and carrying around my perfect attendance award. I remember being the first in my third-grade class to complete the multiplication tables without a single mistake. I remember winning a Scrabble tournament in 5th grade because I would religiously practice spelling. I collected a trophy for being the most athletic female in my class, the most improved, and was chosen for many choir solos. If I practiced and practiced, well perfect is good enough. 

But I also remember the first test I ever failed. It was my driver's test and I was crushed. I didn't know what failing felt like and I hated myself for it. I beat myself up for failing because it was all my fault. To this day I don't enjoy driving and would rather walk. Failure and I were not friends. 

In the early stages of my career, I climbed the ladder of promotions because if I did my job perfectly and checked all the boxes how could I not? I held myself to a standard and thought that everyone should do the same. Well, failure wasn't the only thing that kicked my ass, reality came into play. Life isn't fair, ever heard of that one?

All of a sudden being perfect was just an expectation I put on myself, the only person that cared if I was perfect was me. After multiple attempts at journaling, BetterHelp therapists, and meditation. I started seeing a Life Coach a couple months ago. I am learning to set healthy boundaries around others and myself. I am learning that what I want in life is what I want and that is totally fine. It's okay to not want an inflatable hot tub or a closet full of clothes I'll never wear. I mean you can only wear one outfit a day, right? It's okay to not be an executive before the age of 35. Even though others have done it.

My husband and I are challenged daily with trying to do the right thing and not piss someone off. The problem is no matter how many times we weigh our decisions or try to help, we still piss someone off. No matter how nice, no matter how much we try to contribute, no matter how perfect we try to be it's never enough. At the end of the day whether we are sitting by ourselves at a school event or at the dinner table or on the deck after a long day. As long as we have each other, that is good enough!

As of today my trophies/certificates of perfection sit in a suitcase that I will eventually have to move out of my parent's house. As I get older I will learn to not let my failures define me. I will not let someone's mom make me feel less than. I will not change who I am for someone's approval even if they are family. 

I will continue to help others, continue to fail, and continue to show up for my family and their events. My life coach asked me why I give so much of myself to others. I responded, "I never want anyone to feel like their life doesn't matter. I will do whatever I can to prove to someone that they shouldn't hurt themselves".