Grieving is weird

 Grieving is a weird thing, a strange state of mind. 

I feel for my husband when he travels for work because his mind wanders when he doesn't sleep well. He thinks about his dad who he lost a couple years ago which keeps him up longer. Now that he's up he turns to his phone where a Facebook Memory pops up about his son Lucas who passed away last year. Then it hits him, and he starts to grieve. He then will proceed to stay awake till 4 am to pass out of pure exhaustion by 5am, to then hear an alarm go off by 6am. He will work the whole day without anyone knowing about the miserable night he had. We then do our Facetime dinner date at 6pm and chat about his night and how it affected his day. I remind him he will be home soon and that he has every right to have had those feelings.  

I find myself talking to my sisters. We talk about the person our dad is now and how he is not the dad he used to be. His stage 5 kidney disease has taken over his body and he will never be the strong gym rat we remember. Although he is still alive, we grieve all the memories we once had with him. We grieve the physical strength he had when he looked in the mirror after a tough workout, now not even coming close to weighing 200lbs. We cry thinking about it. But my sister goes to work and teaches math to students who have no idea what emotional load she's carrying.

I look at my dogs and start to cry. I grieve the person I used to be. I spend so much of my time trying to be perfect and say the right thing or do the right thing just to make others happy. In return I am exhausted. I could spend 99% of my time saying the right thing and I'll be remembered for the 1% time that I lost my cool. I'll be expected to apologize for the 1% instead of just being understood that under a lot of pressure, external/internal people need a break or space. I carry the grief going on in my side of the family, my husband's side of the family, and well whatever goes on in my head. But I'll continue on with my day and others may have no idea. 

Some may think well Mary this is super dark for a holiday post. To be honest it isn't. I think it is clear that this time of year is the perfect time of year to step back. The person who looks like they have their life together might just need someone to say something nice to them to keep them from falling apart. The parent that you don't see eye to eye with might just need to have a conversation to clear the air. I could of spent my whole life hating my mom for always working instead of being at all of my events. But because she worked I was able to play every sport I wanted, I learned to play the saxophone and I was allowed to go to a great college. The grudge that you have been holding out for or the apology, let it go. As cliche as this sounds, life is too short. 

We need to realize the impact of our words and the intent of our words. Texting has ruined that. A completely innocent informative text can be read with a sarcastic jerk tone. That wasn't the intent of the text but the impact caused by the person that read it now thinks you are an asshole. Heck, we text more than we actually communicate, apologies are done through text, invitations are done through text, meeting scheduling, galore!

I'm not saying to forgive everyone and yay life is all good again. What I'm saying is that people are grieving something, people are going through something, if we don't give them that grace then don't expect it to be given when you find yourself going through something. 

As I get through these next few weeks, I will be heading to Thailand with my husband. Before I was married I would visit a different country every year to expose myself to cultures and customs internationally. I called it a selfish trip, but a good friend corrected me. Mary, you aren't selfish, you just need some self-care. 

Please enjoy your holidays, be safe, and have fun but most importantly give yourself some time for some "self-care".

Love to all,