Have you ever angry cried?

 Growing up my mom called it the "Wieboldt" temper (her maiden name). Some of us had it and others didn't. I never really got angry. I couldn't understand the feeling. Then I got older... 

I got older and I got angry. I started to get protective over my family and friends. I hated when someone made them feel bad. I always prided myself on being emotionless, I didn't really cry that much in my 20s and I just took life how it came. Then I got married to a very emotional man, and well I cried. I hate it and I cry. 

Lately, I have been writing about not being able to understand people. I spend a lot of time getting to know my husband. We have taken personality tests, enneagram tests, color tests, and galore. He knows what makes me tick and I have learned what bothers him. 

I grew up with 5 siblings, in a house that well for 8 people had 1 bathroom. We learned about patience, time management, and how to respect someone's space. All from that 1 bathroom. We didn't have a lot of money but we had a lot of love. We sat down for dinner every night, we did chores, and we played outside. We got in our fair share of trouble but we also made our fair share of outside games. I learned many things from my mom. The most important, work hard no one can say anything about you if you work hard. I worked hard. We went to public school and did just fine. I graduated high school in the top 10, graduated from one of the top engineering schools, and landed a job in DC right after graduation. I traveled to many cities and met a lot of people. I worked countless hours to pay off all $40k  of my student loans by age 25. I saved up money to travel to different countries. I have put myself through 6 very straining marathons. I have grieved over lost family members and have experienced my fair share of trauma. I have survived depressing times even when they seemed very dark. I bought my first house before I was 30. I married a man who has kids of his own, something I knew my body wasn't capable of doing. 

When reading that did you think about what I looked like at all, or how much money I had in my bank account? No, you read it like damn I have been through a lot too Mary. I have seen some things. I have accomplished my own milestones. I have my own story. 

You ABSOLUTELY do. No one had to tell me that I did all those things. No one had to explain to me how those things affected my life. 

We are in the year 2023, We live in a world where people go, "Well how is XX doing?', instead of just asking them themselves. We live in a world where we apologize over text messages, well because that should just solve everything. We live in a world where WORDS hurt more than being in actual pain because when your mind is sad you can't just take an Advil. 

I refuse to do that. If I want to know how someone is I text/call them when they have time. If I messed up I own up to my mistakes. If I have a problem with someone I list out what they did to make me feel that way, regardless of "how I took it". You can ask my family, there is nothing fake about me. I am pretty transparent.

People are human beings. When someone hurts someone so bad that they cry or feel depressed, I think of my cousin. My cousin, three years ago committed suicide because he had a girlfriend that he truly loved. She decided to send him texts and play with his emotions. Out of deep depression, he felt worthless, he felt like he wasn't good enough, and he was never going to reach the bar. He wasn't good enough for his girlfriend. Someone died because of someone's words. 

In return, all we got was, he understood me wrong. I didn't say it like that. Someone else said that not me. 

That's why I angrily cried today. Words are not just words. 

Shout it from the rooftops!

Why do people have to be so mean? Today I was told by someone at work we are building a hospital, not a simple sports project. It's funny how you can be told something at 6:30 am and it lingers with you all day. There are plenty of people that I don't understand. 

• I don't understand the person that explains how you feel when they didn't go through your situation and/or they weren't around during your time of grief. I understand the people who try to relate to your personal problems to provide comfort that you are not alone. I just don't need to be told how I feel or should feel.

• I don't understand the person that says "Oh we gave you the idea to do that". For example, as we got back from Alaska, our neighbors packed for their trip and headed to the airport. I didn't think to myself "thank god I gave them the idea to go".  I was jealous that I had to come back. The best part about traveling is everyone has their OWN reason to do it, don't be so self-absorbed to think people only do things because you did them first. 

• I don't understand the person that is obsessed with weight. I get it. I do, we grew up focusing on our weight all the time. The key word is we focused on OUR weight. We didn't value people because of their weight. To quote my sister, "Your weight is the LEAST interesting thing about you". You, my friend, are worth so much more than a number or the size of your jeans. I struggle with this daily but I will never let my weight define me. I will never let weight define anyone, especially my family. 

• I don't understand the person that has to tell me about how people feel about me or my family. I don't actually care if this random person doesn't like my brother, sister, or brother-in-law. My family is my family. I'm the only one that can bust their balls. No matter what I would have their back and defend them at any time. If you are interested in being a part of my family, I'd expect you to do the same. 

• Lastly, I don't understand the person that obsesses over how messed up a person/family is. My favorite was recently someone commented, "Well you can tell she's a stepmom and not a real mom". That's your opinion but quite frankly there are moms that abandon their kids, and there are stepmoms that don't even give their stepchildren the time of day. Thank you for grading my parenting but I'm just not here for it. I don't care if the way my family expresses themselves isn't the same way you would. What works for us, won't work for everyone. 

I have just had the urge to scream today. Just to tell all of the mean people in my life to just give it a rest. Let us live. Stop trying to be the drama queen of the family, stop trying to hold us together. To be honest with my husband I feel like we can conquer all. 

I hope everyone finds their partner in crime in life. May that person get you through all the people you don't understand. The world doesn't need any more judgment. Try saying something nice to someone today. 

Mental Health Matters

 To those who have been blessed with a mind to always be happy, I envy you. This month always gives me shivers as I am reminded of October of 2021 when my dad tried to hurt himself. We assume that people are okay, and we want them to be okay. We want everyone to be happy and we can't understand why they aren't. 

I was in a funk all last week. I could not shake the sadness. The sadness of trying to feel a sense of worth or belonging. Depression can hit at any time and sometimes you just get overwhelmed, it feels as if a wave crashed over you and you are desperately trying to get to the surface to take a breath of air. There's nothing wrong with you if you don't feel okay. That's the part that I hate. "How can I fix you, or fix this". Before anyone freaks out I already seek help. This isn't a cry for attention. 

I care about everyone's mental wellness. Heck, I even started running again to try to reduce my depression, and it helps. Having something to focus on can be great for your mind until you pull a muscle and have to take a couple days off. 

I think the worst part about being sad is having to explain yourself. Why do you feel this way? What can people around you do to support you? I don't want to have to tell someone how to make me feel better. Or when some people only happen to see you sad but they don't see all your happy times. They start to lump you in as just being a negative person. Then when the labels start the wave pushes you under more.

I'm not a sad person, and I'm not a negative person. I hate being labeled as something I'm not, or being compared to someone I'm not. I am not trying to be a better step-parent than anyone else, or a better sister, or a better wife. I am just trying to be me, Mary Miller. I am trying to give the best version of myself to everyone every day. On days that I can't promise I can give my best, I try to get better and take some time to myself to just breathe. 

It's okay to take those days. Take your personal days. Reset your mind, watch some Firefly Lane on Netflix ball your eyes out. Cry and cry and then laugh a little. I think about what used to stress me out. In my younger years of middle school or high school. It makes me chuckle thinking about it, a boy who I had a crush on that thought I was gross. Or Biology, I always hated biology. 

On Netflix there's a show "How to Get Rich", I personally thought the show was going to suck. But it is all about living your "rich" life. Everyone's definition of rich is different. The same as everyone's definition of being happy, or everyone's definition of a good parent. We all have different ways we think the world should look. 

But if we focus on our own "rich" life, how can we lose? If we focus on ourselves and who we want to be and what we want, while ignoring the noise. How can you lose?

Today think about your rich life. What does it look like? Check-in with your friends and family. Most importantly understand it's okay to be sad. And for all of us trying to comfort our sad family and friends let's remember no one wants to be sad. 

I deleted my blog...

I gave up on blogging for a while. I was deterred when someone said to me once, "What are you going to go home and blog about this?". I felt defeated. Blogging was my form of expression, a mental detox. In the last week, I have had 3 people tell me, I enjoy reading your blog, I could really use a Mary Blog post, and Thank you for being so honest and open. 

It's incredible how impactful words can be. Comments can inspire or crush you. You can choose to take the positive comments or you can choose to dwell on the negative. For some reason, I always gravitate toward the negative. I overthink A LOT. A comment made in passing or as a joke can keep me up all night trying to figure out what I did to cause that reaction. Something completely out of my control and I stress over it. 

To make this even more comical I have a tattoo that says "I'm not everyone's cup of tea". I understand completely that not everyone in the world is going to like me. I gave this same advice to my stepdaughter the other day. You can concentrate on all the people that don't like you or you can give all your energy to your supporters. As I type this I laugh and think, well Mary you could do the same. 

I never want or wanted to be labeled as a negative person. It is actually one of the labels that hit me at my core. My mom always told me I was her happiest kid and to never lose that sense of energy. I am here to create a safe space in which people can talk to me, and feel as if they won't be judged. 

Today I got a great compliment. One of my direct reports got engaged. He questioned when he should ask her and asked me for advice. I said you already know what you want, why wait? He told me this morning that he told his fiance that I played a part in him popping the question, obviously, she stated that I was a smart lady. But it's days like today where you know you make a difference. Where a positive attitude can play a huge role in someone's life. 

I have been on a new initiative to run every day. I can't go very fast and I'm not going to lie when I started I couldn't even run a mile. Now I am up to 2. This slow but steady progress has reminded me that there isn't instant gratification. There are tons of miserable days inside those 12 days of running. But when you are running the only negative comments you are trying to escape is your own. No outside impact. 

I guess today all I am saying is, to spend more time being kind. Spend more time adding positivity to those around you. Spend less time on the people that don't like you. Spend less energy on negative comments. 

And.. you aren't everyone's cup of tea. That is quite alright with me.