Most days I don't recognize me ..

 After watching the New Richmond Show Choir performance, I decided to sit and watch the musical The Waitress. This song "She Used to Be Mine" was stuck in my head repeatedly. I'm not going to lie to y'all I cried my eyes out at the musical even at the funny parts. A waitress who pours everything into her pies, her patrons, and her family. She winds up finding out she's pregnant and works even harder. She has the baby and finds the strength inside to gain back her freedom.

 DISCLAIMER: Before anyone starts a rumor, I am NOT pregnant. I prefer baking cookies over pie and I wouldn't say the people I serve in my life are patrons at a diner. 

Whoof now that, that's behind us. I think the song can relate to so many people.

• Parents with young children who run around day/night and barely find time for themselves. 
• Parents who "seem to never be around" in their children's eyes, but in the background are grinding away at work to provide for their family.
• Young adults who are living on their own don't have that sense of comfort from living with their parents. Additionally the unknown of starting your own life as an independent. 
• Graduating seniors who used to feel like kids are now starting life outside of the 12 years of schooling, a life with a less formal schedule.
• A 16-year-old who just got their license now realizes the amount of responsibility it takes to have a license and the cost it entails.
• Maybe you went from being single to being married and now you have joint accounts, joint decisions, and joint responsibilities.  

The summary is we go through portions in our lives where we don't recognize who we are because we are so different from who we used to be. We go through times when life used to be simple and now feels so complex. What do you mean I have to coordinate with my husband every day on what we are having for dinner?!? It's comical but before when you were single eating a box of crackers and some cheese probably seemed like enough. We spent so much time wishing we were older when we were younger. Wishing we had more money instead of enjoying what we can actually afford. 

As I ripped off the month of April from our calendar, I started to wonder where did the last 4 months go? I spend so much time wishing/hoping to get to a date or a time. Everything will be less stressful after XX or if we just make it to XX. Valuable time is passing by, time you can't get back. In some cases the person you used to be you can't get back. 

How do we learn to be content with what we have or who we are? That my friend is not easy to answer and it isn't a pill you take to feel better. I started working with a coach to help guide myself to that place of content. Sometimes you can't do it on your own and that is quite alright. 

It is okay to not recognize yourself anymore. It's okay to have to have a good cry. Today I stare outside my window and realize I should just be truly blessed I can experience this sunny day. 

Please take advantage of the sun, don't make any excuses, and breathe the fresh air. 

Everyone's got a lot going on ...

I think about this saying a LOT lately. We understand that everyone has a lot going on in their personal lives and sometimes it's hard to help others. I also am a firm believer that you can make time for those that matter. I'm just going to say this, I am at max capacity. I am helping others as best as I can present and afar, and I am exhausted/overwhelmed. 

Has anyone else felt maxed out? 

I think some rational thinking would help.

Weight loss/Health. I have been overweight, obese, just right, etc my whole life. Weight fluctuates, it doesn't define you. I am proud of people that lose weight but I am triggered by certain statements. "I haven't eaten anything today" " I don't need to eat that much" "I'm never really that hungry" " I can lose 20 pounds in a month" Let's simmer down people. Starving yourself isn't weight loss, it's an eating disorder. That is very triggering for me. You can intermediate fast and eat during a time window a day, totally understand that. But not eating is not weight loss. You, my friend, are losing muscles and when you get older you will wish you had muscles instead of just bones. The best way to lose weight is to get a balanced diet in a calorie deficit. Sprinkle in some exercise, a consistent sleep schedule, cut out some sweets here and there and BAM you will feel amazing in a week. Don't forget that water intake! If you aren't worried about your health then that's a problem. Food is fuel, food is healthy, and weight loss happens when you start to care for your body. The number on the scale doesn't dictate how healthy you are. In November of 2023, I ran a marathon and I was 25 pounds heavier than I am now. Weight DOES NOT define you. Not eating will/can ruin you, I have seen it happen. 

The Deceased. This thought was sparked through reading Romans 6:5-14 "because anyone who has died has been set free from sin". I gave you all the spark notes version there but if we live with Christ and die with Christ we have that path to forgiveness. I read this with my husband and we instantly thought of Luke, his son who passed. The decisions he made or choices he made are not to be judged because he is free from sin. Sadly, people still speak ill of the dead. Let's not channel our energy toward people that don't have the option to change their life. It isn't fair and quite frankly it hurts more than helps. Let's make good choices in honor of those who can't. 

College/School/Career. I have worked in a male-dominated field for most of my adult life. I have a bachelor's degree, this degree doesn't make me better than anyone else. I wanted to go to college; I had a passion for it. I loved school and I loved learning. If that isn't you then that is OKAY. Please don't put yourself in debt for something you don't want in life. My brother is an electrician and is very successful. If you don't have a passion for college then don't do it. I am not a "girl boss" because I work in construction. I am a woman with a job.

Finding the love of your life. I will keep this short and simple. In the words of my mom, "This will happen when you least expect it". Forcing this is a recipe for disaster. 

Asking for help We were not made to go through life alone. Ask for help when you need it. I have been to therapy and reached out to work professionals, old colleagues, college friends, and siblings. There is no weakness in asking for help. Most importantly if you are a believer in faith, lean in! Through my 40 days of bible study, I have strengthened my relationship with god. During this time of being maxed out, I have allowed myself room still for my faith. 

Me.  I'm tired and sad. Yes, my dad "made it a year longer than we thought". But my dad is not really himself anymore. He has changed and the dynamic in my family has changed. Between all that I juggle a lot of other balls. I deal with hatred from people that don't even know me.

At the end of the day, I just want some grace. At the end of the day, I just want to breathe. Sometimes at the end of the day, I want to be left alone.

Everyone's got a lot going on, reach out to a person you haven't in a while. Ask them how they are doing, and if you have the capacity offer some help. At the end of the day you have one life you have to make the best of it. That includes doing what makes you happy, keeping your body healthy (so who knows someday you can run around with your kids, or go on walks with your dogs), and helping others when you can. 

Insert Dave Ramsey's Voice

We live in a time where being an influencer is a profession and a powerful profession at that. I have no issue with the job, I just am not a fan of how it affects some people, I'll get into that later. I would actually like to see an influencer and Dave Ramsey have a conversation. A man who says "Just because it is on sale, doesn't mean you have to buy it", versus an influencer telling you how you need this new top from Amazon because it is so comfy or cute. 

I am guilty. I was incredibly guilty of this. 

I remember when I was younger and had to understand money at a young age. I understood there were times when we paid for gas with our change cup or we saved up some money to enjoy a pizza for a summertime lunch. I enjoyed how simple our childhood was and never really thought about how much money our parents made. I remember when I started working and was proud to make my own money. I felt a sense of pride for paying for things on my own. As I grew older I fell into the trap of consumerism. I thought I needed a name brand this or a name brand that. I would spend and spend. Luckily I cared so much about my credit score that I never racked up any debt but I didn't have any savings. I was influenced. I wore the same Carhart sweatshirt every day but had a closet full of clothes from Nordstrom or Zara. None of which made me feel better. Then I gained weight and kept all the clothes for when I would lose it again and well felt worse. You see consumerism affects your wallet and your gut. One of the deadly sins is gluttony. You continue to spend or continue to eat in hopes that it will make you feel better. Instead, it leaves you surrounded by stuff and you feel more alone. 

I was a glutton. I was incredibly guilty of this. 

Now the people a step above me on the consumerism rank are the people that spend money just to spend money. This is to show that you have everything that everyone wants but you don't have the means to live like that. As Dave Ramsey would say, rich people drive Toyotas. People are rich because they don't buy everything they see in Temu. Now I do think it is a little rough that he says the only time you can see the inside of a restaurant is if you are working there, but I guess he is right. Money can be saved by spending it towards the good and not the glutton. 

I saw this Instagram reel the other day. The guy does a day in the life. He gets into his car (fully paid for) which drives him from A to B. He drinks his cup of coffee (which he made at home) because it provides him the caffeine he needs for the day. He gets ready to call it a day (by getting into his very small bathroom) to take a shower that provides him warm water. The intent was yes he might not have the newest vehicle on the block or the biggest house. But this place provided him everything he needed to save money to get him to the next step/goal in his life. 

Normalize that. I think if we all normalize feeding our body with good food, having a reasonable amount of clothes to get us through the 4 seasons, and limiting our amount of stuff. I think that would take a great deal of stress off of people's plates. Parents could provide the basic means to provide food, shelter, clothes, and love. Young adults could save money for houses/college. Young kids could understand that sometimes you can't get that candy because the change cup well covers gas today. 

My husband feels bad sometimes that I don't walk around with a $10k wedding ring on my finger. I say two things 1) I got you a pack of silicone rings from Amazon and 2) Do you know what we could do with $10,000?! 

Love is not defined by the amount of money you give or the amount you receive. If you feel that way then you have never read the bible. If you think you are entitled to someone's money then you have never read the bible. 

What you are entitled to do is help out others when you can, treat others the way you would like to be treated, and find peace that you are never alone. 

Food for thought.

Can you take me higher ...

 I don't know why Creed has been stuck in my head lately (this song came out in 1999) but there you go...

I missed the first month of the year blogging because I spent a week in Thailand. People asked me what was my favorite part of Thailand: the food? the 93-degree weather? the blue ocean water? 

No, I would answer it was actually the people. A welcoming country with humble people. In the US we are asked to tip after we get a $7 Starby's drink. In Thailand, you can give a tip worth (USD 1) and people look at you like you've changed their life. The main difference is they earned that tip. They treated you with respect, and love, welcomed you, and had the best hospitality I have ever seen. 

It really put people into perspective for me. You know how you watch those Instagram reels "if he wanted to he would" and "if she wanted to she would" when talking about a spouse/friend/coworker doing something for you because they just care. In the US that seems unheard of, while in Thailand people do kind things for you because they are humble people. 

This also kickstarted documentaries and a rabbit hole for me. I started watching that Netflix documentary (the one with the twins) on food and how in 8 weeks you can really improve your health. The documentary didn't make me a vegan but it sparked my need to want to grow my own food. It validated that we buy our pork and beef from a known farmer. It validated my desire to want to raise chickens. 

Why is food so important to me? Well, you see every February my stomach gets in a knot. My husband and I decided to get married in February and before you laugh I don't get nervous for my anniversary. The same week of our wedding anniversary Josh goes in for his annual colon cancer check-up. We are in good spirits for that because his physical this week concluded that in less than a year he has lost 14lbs and has lowered his cholesterol without the need for medication. Our food choices matter! 

I am in the mindset of quality over quantity. I used to think in my teens and 20's I needed a designer bag or expensive kicks or $80 lotions. In the last year, I have sold all my designer stuff and cleaned the clutter. I would rather be rich in experiences, health, homegrown foods, and kindness. I am not going to lie with coupons I saved $20 at Dollar General last week, buying toilet paper and paper towels. I felt like a champion. It's the little things. I also got a library card and felt like a badass, you can rent books on your Kindle?! 

I try to look out for others and pay it forward when I can. I take into account people are busy and they have their own lives going on. I don't understand the culture of ghosting or not getting back to someone. I don't understand continuously talking poorly about people and then expecting them to be excited to see you and welcome them with open arms. I do understand that people need validation and clarity. We need to know when we've done something wrong or made someone upset. This is how we grow as people. We also reserve the right to make it better or apologize, we may not be forgiven but let's get the chance to make it right. 

So my line for 2024 is: let's be humble. 

Grieving is weird

 Grieving is a weird thing, a strange state of mind. 

I feel for my husband when he travels for work because his mind wanders when he doesn't sleep well. He thinks about his dad who he lost a couple years ago which keeps him up longer. Now that he's up he turns to his phone where a Facebook Memory pops up about his son Lucas who passed away last year. Then it hits him, and he starts to grieve. He then will proceed to stay awake till 4 am to pass out of pure exhaustion by 5am, to then hear an alarm go off by 6am. He will work the whole day without anyone knowing about the miserable night he had. We then do our Facetime dinner date at 6pm and chat about his night and how it affected his day. I remind him he will be home soon and that he has every right to have had those feelings.  

I find myself talking to my sisters. We talk about the person our dad is now and how he is not the dad he used to be. His stage 5 kidney disease has taken over his body and he will never be the strong gym rat we remember. Although he is still alive, we grieve all the memories we once had with him. We grieve the physical strength he had when he looked in the mirror after a tough workout, now not even coming close to weighing 200lbs. We cry thinking about it. But my sister goes to work and teaches math to students who have no idea what emotional load she's carrying.

I look at my dogs and start to cry. I grieve the person I used to be. I spend so much of my time trying to be perfect and say the right thing or do the right thing just to make others happy. In return I am exhausted. I could spend 99% of my time saying the right thing and I'll be remembered for the 1% time that I lost my cool. I'll be expected to apologize for the 1% instead of just being understood that under a lot of pressure, external/internal people need a break or space. I carry the grief going on in my side of the family, my husband's side of the family, and well whatever goes on in my head. But I'll continue on with my day and others may have no idea. 

Some may think well Mary this is super dark for a holiday post. To be honest it isn't. I think it is clear that this time of year is the perfect time of year to step back. The person who looks like they have their life together might just need someone to say something nice to them to keep them from falling apart. The parent that you don't see eye to eye with might just need to have a conversation to clear the air. I could of spent my whole life hating my mom for always working instead of being at all of my events. But because she worked I was able to play every sport I wanted, I learned to play the saxophone and I was allowed to go to a great college. The grudge that you have been holding out for or the apology, let it go. As cliche as this sounds, life is too short. 

We need to realize the impact of our words and the intent of our words. Texting has ruined that. A completely innocent informative text can be read with a sarcastic jerk tone. That wasn't the intent of the text but the impact caused by the person that read it now thinks you are an asshole. Heck, we text more than we actually communicate, apologies are done through text, invitations are done through text, meeting scheduling, galore!

I'm not saying to forgive everyone and yay life is all good again. What I'm saying is that people are grieving something, people are going through something, if we don't give them that grace then don't expect it to be given when you find yourself going through something. 

As I get through these next few weeks, I will be heading to Thailand with my husband. Before I was married I would visit a different country every year to expose myself to cultures and customs internationally. I called it a selfish trip, but a good friend corrected me. Mary, you aren't selfish, you just need some self-care. 

Please enjoy your holidays, be safe, and have fun but most importantly give yourself some time for some "self-care".

Love to all,

Thankful, Grateful, Family

With "grateful" trending on social media, I saw a video of a man grateful for the pills he had to swallow this year. One of them being you don't really matter to people so don't let them matter so much to you. I know I know, not very holiday cheery or "press play" on Mariah Carey. I watched the video over and over so I could let the words sink in. Obviously, the takeaway isn't "screw everyone, I'm going to live in a tower over who-ville with my dog Max and ruin everyone's Christmas." 

 

*cough cough feel for you Grinch cough*

We live in a weird time: technology advances are incredible, chatGPT can plan your vacations with one search, and our iPhones are made of TITANIUM. The problem with technology is it has allowed everyone to become viral over anything. Health and fitness advice is given from just about anyone. The pressures of what a perfect family should be and look like. The social pressures of having a plethora of bridesmaids, always going out/traveling, or having the best fashion-forward clothes. The best is the pressures of the holidays. If we aren't showing up with the top 10 gifts of the year we are told by so many just get along with our family members for one day. That one makes me chuckle. I love my siblings and we are all so different. We met completely different people that make us happy and we have made our own little families. 

That is the magic of growing up. 

All we truly want for our family members is for them to live a happy life. If that means having animals and a ranch-style house, having a huge yard with children, or living in an apartment in the city and ending the night with a glass of wine. I explain this same concept to my husband daily. As teenagers become young adults they aspire to have their own life and soon their own family. That my friend doesn't make you a bad Dad regardless of what the peanut gallery continues to say. You never stop being a parent your role just looks a little different. Heck, they might find themselves saying "My dad used to do this let's do that, or whatever we do let's not do what parents did".

 That is OKAY too, people make mistakes and they learn. 

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am still swallowing that pill. The pill that allows me to focus on all the GOOD I have in my life, instead of all the things people want to fault me for. I admit that I'm not perfect although I want to be more than anything else. I have overreacted over certain things which I internalize and regret. The problem is I bottled too many things inside and swallowed the wrong "pills". I let things happen to just not start an argument, which then causes a "Mary explosion". 

This year I am grateful/thankful for all the people who reminded me on even my worst day that I'm only human. I am thankful for the paths my siblings have chosen to become the best version of them. I am thankful for my husband's family who plays a huge role in creating a family for me that is far from where I grew up. Lastly, I am thankful for my husband because we constantly prove that with each other and our nighttime prayers, we can conquer all. 

To all the Negative Nancy's, take some vacation this holiday season from being a hater. The holidays are a hard time for all. Instead of saying terrible things, try saying something nice for the next month. You'll feel much better for it. Happy Thanksgiving, safe travels, and much love.

I am unhinged, unworthy, and distasteful to mostly everyone I meet, however I am loyal to a fault to anyone I find kindness in

 I would say everyone has probably made their opinion on Zach Bryan by now. Either all his songs sound the same, I love all his music or he's okay. While his music is easy listening and some pieces can sound common. I enjoy his lyrics more and more each day. 

I see a lot of Instagram reels, "My husband's super outgoing life of the party". While the wife sits by herself or plays with the dog to recharge her social batteries. I can't help but relate to those more and more each day. I'm not the type to sit at a volleyball game and talk drama to the mom next to me. I'm not the type of person to just unload my day on some random person at Kwik Trip. I mostly am reserved and keep my circle of trust relatively small. 

I wouldn't say I have a resting bitch face. In fact, I have quite the opposite, people tell me EVERYTHING. But I would agree with Zach Bryan, until I can find genuine kindness in someone, people might find me distasteful. I wouldn't want people to confuse that with my kindness. I might not be overly outgoing and flirty like my husband, but I am weary of trusting people right away. I have a defensive front and that is to protect myself and others. The sad part is that I feel like I have to defend that and I shouldn't have to. 

I think that trickles into other things that bother me. If people were more honest and transparent, our opinions would be heard. Instead of telling someone "Nothing is wrong" and then telling another person"Wow I hate that or Why did she do that".  If we voice our concerns and people are receiving them, imagine the world we could become. It is so hard for some people to say "Hey what you did wasn't right". We need to not be defensive about their comment but more thankful for the fact they came forward. Speaking up is a hard thing for a person to do, let us hear them, think about what they said, and figure out what can be fixed. 

There are unkind people in the world. They aren't unkind because they look a certain way. They are unkind because they have struggles. They are unkind because life isn't going their way. They are unkind because they were brought up without experiencing happiness. If we find more kindness in ourselves we will form allies and relationships. If we are less defensive and aggressive about constructive criticism we will become some of the best leaders people have ever seen. If you say you have an open-door policy then mean it. 

You don't have to be the fun one, you don't have to be the life of the party, you don't have to agree with everything. I have always spoken up. In my adult life, it has made me feel like a complainer. Until recently I talked to an executive who was just signing off on the call and said "Hey Mary", "Yeah Taylor what's up?"  "Never stop speaking up".  

Be honest, be kind, and be a good person. That's what it takes to feel belonging.