Grieving is weird

 Grieving is a weird thing, a strange state of mind. 

I feel for my husband when he travels for work because his mind wanders when he doesn't sleep well. He thinks about his dad who he lost a couple years ago which keeps him up longer. Now that he's up he turns to his phone where a Facebook Memory pops up about his son Lucas who passed away last year. Then it hits him, and he starts to grieve. He then will proceed to stay awake till 4 am to pass out of pure exhaustion by 5am, to then hear an alarm go off by 6am. He will work the whole day without anyone knowing about the miserable night he had. We then do our Facetime dinner date at 6pm and chat about his night and how it affected his day. I remind him he will be home soon and that he has every right to have had those feelings.  

I find myself talking to my sisters. We talk about the person our dad is now and how he is not the dad he used to be. His stage 5 kidney disease has taken over his body and he will never be the strong gym rat we remember. Although he is still alive, we grieve all the memories we once had with him. We grieve the physical strength he had when he looked in the mirror after a tough workout, now not even coming close to weighing 200lbs. We cry thinking about it. But my sister goes to work and teaches math to students who have no idea what emotional load she's carrying.

I look at my dogs and start to cry. I grieve the person I used to be. I spend so much of my time trying to be perfect and say the right thing or do the right thing just to make others happy. In return I am exhausted. I could spend 99% of my time saying the right thing and I'll be remembered for the 1% time that I lost my cool. I'll be expected to apologize for the 1% instead of just being understood that under a lot of pressure, external/internal people need a break or space. I carry the grief going on in my side of the family, my husband's side of the family, and well whatever goes on in my head. But I'll continue on with my day and others may have no idea. 

Some may think well Mary this is super dark for a holiday post. To be honest it isn't. I think it is clear that this time of year is the perfect time of year to step back. The person who looks like they have their life together might just need someone to say something nice to them to keep them from falling apart. The parent that you don't see eye to eye with might just need to have a conversation to clear the air. I could of spent my whole life hating my mom for always working instead of being at all of my events. But because she worked I was able to play every sport I wanted, I learned to play the saxophone and I was allowed to go to a great college. The grudge that you have been holding out for or the apology, let it go. As cliche as this sounds, life is too short. 

We need to realize the impact of our words and the intent of our words. Texting has ruined that. A completely innocent informative text can be read with a sarcastic jerk tone. That wasn't the intent of the text but the impact caused by the person that read it now thinks you are an asshole. Heck, we text more than we actually communicate, apologies are done through text, invitations are done through text, meeting scheduling, galore!

I'm not saying to forgive everyone and yay life is all good again. What I'm saying is that people are grieving something, people are going through something, if we don't give them that grace then don't expect it to be given when you find yourself going through something. 

As I get through these next few weeks, I will be heading to Thailand with my husband. Before I was married I would visit a different country every year to expose myself to cultures and customs internationally. I called it a selfish trip, but a good friend corrected me. Mary, you aren't selfish, you just need some self-care. 

Please enjoy your holidays, be safe, and have fun but most importantly give yourself some time for some "self-care".

Love to all,

Thankful, Grateful, Family

With "grateful" trending on social media, I saw a video of a man grateful for the pills he had to swallow this year. One of them being you don't really matter to people so don't let them matter so much to you. I know I know, not very holiday cheery or "press play" on Mariah Carey. I watched the video over and over so I could let the words sink in. Obviously, the takeaway isn't "screw everyone, I'm going to live in a tower over who-ville with my dog Max and ruin everyone's Christmas." 

 

*cough cough feel for you Grinch cough*

We live in a weird time: technology advances are incredible, chatGPT can plan your vacations with one search, and our iPhones are made of TITANIUM. The problem with technology is it has allowed everyone to become viral over anything. Health and fitness advice is given from just about anyone. The pressures of what a perfect family should be and look like. The social pressures of having a plethora of bridesmaids, always going out/traveling, or having the best fashion-forward clothes. The best is the pressures of the holidays. If we aren't showing up with the top 10 gifts of the year we are told by so many just get along with our family members for one day. That one makes me chuckle. I love my siblings and we are all so different. We met completely different people that make us happy and we have made our own little families. 

That is the magic of growing up. 

All we truly want for our family members is for them to live a happy life. If that means having animals and a ranch-style house, having a huge yard with children, or living in an apartment in the city and ending the night with a glass of wine. I explain this same concept to my husband daily. As teenagers become young adults they aspire to have their own life and soon their own family. That my friend doesn't make you a bad Dad regardless of what the peanut gallery continues to say. You never stop being a parent your role just looks a little different. Heck, they might find themselves saying "My dad used to do this let's do that, or whatever we do let's not do what parents did".

 That is OKAY too, people make mistakes and they learn. 

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am still swallowing that pill. The pill that allows me to focus on all the GOOD I have in my life, instead of all the things people want to fault me for. I admit that I'm not perfect although I want to be more than anything else. I have overreacted over certain things which I internalize and regret. The problem is I bottled too many things inside and swallowed the wrong "pills". I let things happen to just not start an argument, which then causes a "Mary explosion". 

This year I am grateful/thankful for all the people who reminded me on even my worst day that I'm only human. I am thankful for the paths my siblings have chosen to become the best version of them. I am thankful for my husband's family who plays a huge role in creating a family for me that is far from where I grew up. Lastly, I am thankful for my husband because we constantly prove that with each other and our nighttime prayers, we can conquer all. 

To all the Negative Nancy's, take some vacation this holiday season from being a hater. The holidays are a hard time for all. Instead of saying terrible things, try saying something nice for the next month. You'll feel much better for it. Happy Thanksgiving, safe travels, and much love.

I am unhinged, unworthy, and distasteful to mostly everyone I meet, however I am loyal to a fault to anyone I find kindness in

 I would say everyone has probably made their opinion on Zach Bryan by now. Either all his songs sound the same, I love all his music or he's okay. While his music is easy listening and some pieces can sound common. I enjoy his lyrics more and more each day. 

I see a lot of Instagram reels, "My husband's super outgoing life of the party". While the wife sits by herself or plays with the dog to recharge her social batteries. I can't help but relate to those more and more each day. I'm not the type to sit at a volleyball game and talk drama to the mom next to me. I'm not the type of person to just unload my day on some random person at Kwik Trip. I mostly am reserved and keep my circle of trust relatively small. 

I wouldn't say I have a resting bitch face. In fact, I have quite the opposite, people tell me EVERYTHING. But I would agree with Zach Bryan, until I can find genuine kindness in someone, people might find me distasteful. I wouldn't want people to confuse that with my kindness. I might not be overly outgoing and flirty like my husband, but I am weary of trusting people right away. I have a defensive front and that is to protect myself and others. The sad part is that I feel like I have to defend that and I shouldn't have to. 

I think that trickles into other things that bother me. If people were more honest and transparent, our opinions would be heard. Instead of telling someone "Nothing is wrong" and then telling another person"Wow I hate that or Why did she do that".  If we voice our concerns and people are receiving them, imagine the world we could become. It is so hard for some people to say "Hey what you did wasn't right". We need to not be defensive about their comment but more thankful for the fact they came forward. Speaking up is a hard thing for a person to do, let us hear them, think about what they said, and figure out what can be fixed. 

There are unkind people in the world. They aren't unkind because they look a certain way. They are unkind because they have struggles. They are unkind because life isn't going their way. They are unkind because they were brought up without experiencing happiness. If we find more kindness in ourselves we will form allies and relationships. If we are less defensive and aggressive about constructive criticism we will become some of the best leaders people have ever seen. If you say you have an open-door policy then mean it. 

You don't have to be the fun one, you don't have to be the life of the party, you don't have to agree with everything. I have always spoken up. In my adult life, it has made me feel like a complainer. Until recently I talked to an executive who was just signing off on the call and said "Hey Mary", "Yeah Taylor what's up?"  "Never stop speaking up".  

Be honest, be kind, and be a good person. That's what it takes to feel belonging. 

A shoe is just a shoe until someone steps into it.

I'm not a movie type of person. I don't enjoy sitting and watching a movie, if I do it definitely is one that is under 2 hours. A dinner and a movie date have never been my "go-to".  I get bored easily and get distracted. I enjoy books that are fast read for this exact reason. 

Yesterday we watched Air.

What a movie, heck even my husband cried. For anyone wondering it doesn't take a lot to get his happy tears flowing. Air was a movie that made you feel instantly inspired. It reminds me of when my siblings and I would watch Wimbledon. We were like we can do that, we would go to the nearest tennis courts, slap a couple balls and soon realize we weren't even close to the William's sisters. But we felt the inspiration inside of us. 

Don't get me wrong, I won't be buying myself a pair of Air Jordans anytime soon. 

But the one quote stuck with me all day. "A shoe is just a shoe until someone steps into it". This applies to so many parts of our life. An object is just an object unless you make it more. A house is just a house until you make it a home. A paycheck is just money unless you invest in something with it. (Not saying to spend tons of money on something you won't use just to do it. But if you invest in yourself with it and use the home exercise equipment or buy better food to fuel your body. It's more than just money.)  Words are also just words. Unless there is an action associated. (When my husband apologizes he always says I know I have to show you not just say sorry. His right actions are more than words) A gift is just a gift. Unless there is thought and love behind it. For example sometimes just showing up means more than a Venmo transfer. 

We must learn about our audience and ourselves in order to make objects more than just objects. Just because someone has something also doesn't mean it's something you are meant to have. As people, we choose how to spend our time, money, and love. No one is guaranteed a specific amount. 

I find myself slowly letting the suffocating thoughts of people's opinions of me finally dissipate. I realize you can't stop people from saying hurtful things or painting you as the bad guy. At first, I was trying to stop them because I didn't want to constantly have to defend myself, especially my stepkids. But no matter how many good things I do, opinions will be made and those good things may be forgotten. 

A role is just a role until someone steps into it. 

You can do the best you can do. Somedays it will feel like you are in Wimbleton serving like Serena Williams. On other days you are at the high school tennis courts trying to figure out how to use your backhand. 

Have you ever angry cried?

 Growing up my mom called it the "Wieboldt" temper (her maiden name). Some of us had it and others didn't. I never really got angry. I couldn't understand the feeling. Then I got older... 

I got older and I got angry. I started to get protective over my family and friends. I hated when someone made them feel bad. I always prided myself on being emotionless, I didn't really cry that much in my 20s and I just took life how it came. Then I got married to a very emotional man, and well I cried. I hate it and I cry. 

Lately, I have been writing about not being able to understand people. I spend a lot of time getting to know my husband. We have taken personality tests, enneagram tests, color tests, and galore. He knows what makes me tick and I have learned what bothers him. 

I grew up with 5 siblings, in a house that well for 8 people had 1 bathroom. We learned about patience, time management, and how to respect someone's space. All from that 1 bathroom. We didn't have a lot of money but we had a lot of love. We sat down for dinner every night, we did chores, and we played outside. We got in our fair share of trouble but we also made our fair share of outside games. I learned many things from my mom. The most important, work hard no one can say anything about you if you work hard. I worked hard. We went to public school and did just fine. I graduated high school in the top 10, graduated from one of the top engineering schools, and landed a job in DC right after graduation. I traveled to many cities and met a lot of people. I worked countless hours to pay off all $40k  of my student loans by age 25. I saved up money to travel to different countries. I have put myself through 6 very straining marathons. I have grieved over lost family members and have experienced my fair share of trauma. I have survived depressing times even when they seemed very dark. I bought my first house before I was 30. I married a man who has kids of his own, something I knew my body wasn't capable of doing. 

When reading that did you think about what I looked like at all, or how much money I had in my bank account? No, you read it like damn I have been through a lot too Mary. I have seen some things. I have accomplished my own milestones. I have my own story. 

You ABSOLUTELY do. No one had to tell me that I did all those things. No one had to explain to me how those things affected my life. 

We are in the year 2023, We live in a world where people go, "Well how is XX doing?', instead of just asking them themselves. We live in a world where we apologize over text messages, well because that should just solve everything. We live in a world where WORDS hurt more than being in actual pain because when your mind is sad you can't just take an Advil. 

I refuse to do that. If I want to know how someone is I text/call them when they have time. If I messed up I own up to my mistakes. If I have a problem with someone I list out what they did to make me feel that way, regardless of "how I took it". You can ask my family, there is nothing fake about me. I am pretty transparent.

People are human beings. When someone hurts someone so bad that they cry or feel depressed, I think of my cousin. My cousin, three years ago committed suicide because he had a girlfriend that he truly loved. She decided to send him texts and play with his emotions. Out of deep depression, he felt worthless, he felt like he wasn't good enough, and he was never going to reach the bar. He wasn't good enough for his girlfriend. Someone died because of someone's words. 

In return, all we got was, he understood me wrong. I didn't say it like that. Someone else said that not me. 

That's why I angrily cried today. Words are not just words. 

Shout it from the rooftops!

Why do people have to be so mean? Today I was told by someone at work we are building a hospital, not a simple sports project. It's funny how you can be told something at 6:30 am and it lingers with you all day. There are plenty of people that I don't understand. 

• I don't understand the person that explains how you feel when they didn't go through your situation and/or they weren't around during your time of grief. I understand the people who try to relate to your personal problems to provide comfort that you are not alone. I just don't need to be told how I feel or should feel.

• I don't understand the person that says "Oh we gave you the idea to do that". For example, as we got back from Alaska, our neighbors packed for their trip and headed to the airport. I didn't think to myself "thank god I gave them the idea to go".  I was jealous that I had to come back. The best part about traveling is everyone has their OWN reason to do it, don't be so self-absorbed to think people only do things because you did them first. 

• I don't understand the person that is obsessed with weight. I get it. I do, we grew up focusing on our weight all the time. The key word is we focused on OUR weight. We didn't value people because of their weight. To quote my sister, "Your weight is the LEAST interesting thing about you". You, my friend, are worth so much more than a number or the size of your jeans. I struggle with this daily but I will never let my weight define me. I will never let weight define anyone, especially my family. 

• I don't understand the person that has to tell me about how people feel about me or my family. I don't actually care if this random person doesn't like my brother, sister, or brother-in-law. My family is my family. I'm the only one that can bust their balls. No matter what I would have their back and defend them at any time. If you are interested in being a part of my family, I'd expect you to do the same. 

• Lastly, I don't understand the person that obsesses over how messed up a person/family is. My favorite was recently someone commented, "Well you can tell she's a stepmom and not a real mom". That's your opinion but quite frankly there are moms that abandon their kids, and there are stepmoms that don't even give their stepchildren the time of day. Thank you for grading my parenting but I'm just not here for it. I don't care if the way my family expresses themselves isn't the same way you would. What works for us, won't work for everyone. 

I have just had the urge to scream today. Just to tell all of the mean people in my life to just give it a rest. Let us live. Stop trying to be the drama queen of the family, stop trying to hold us together. To be honest with my husband I feel like we can conquer all. 

I hope everyone finds their partner in crime in life. May that person get you through all the people you don't understand. The world doesn't need any more judgment. Try saying something nice to someone today. 

Mental Health Matters

 To those who have been blessed with a mind to always be happy, I envy you. This month always gives me shivers as I am reminded of October of 2021 when my dad tried to hurt himself. We assume that people are okay, and we want them to be okay. We want everyone to be happy and we can't understand why they aren't. 

I was in a funk all last week. I could not shake the sadness. The sadness of trying to feel a sense of worth or belonging. Depression can hit at any time and sometimes you just get overwhelmed, it feels as if a wave crashed over you and you are desperately trying to get to the surface to take a breath of air. There's nothing wrong with you if you don't feel okay. That's the part that I hate. "How can I fix you, or fix this". Before anyone freaks out I already seek help. This isn't a cry for attention. 

I care about everyone's mental wellness. Heck, I even started running again to try to reduce my depression, and it helps. Having something to focus on can be great for your mind until you pull a muscle and have to take a couple days off. 

I think the worst part about being sad is having to explain yourself. Why do you feel this way? What can people around you do to support you? I don't want to have to tell someone how to make me feel better. Or when some people only happen to see you sad but they don't see all your happy times. They start to lump you in as just being a negative person. Then when the labels start the wave pushes you under more.

I'm not a sad person, and I'm not a negative person. I hate being labeled as something I'm not, or being compared to someone I'm not. I am not trying to be a better step-parent than anyone else, or a better sister, or a better wife. I am just trying to be me, Mary Miller. I am trying to give the best version of myself to everyone every day. On days that I can't promise I can give my best, I try to get better and take some time to myself to just breathe. 

It's okay to take those days. Take your personal days. Reset your mind, watch some Firefly Lane on Netflix ball your eyes out. Cry and cry and then laugh a little. I think about what used to stress me out. In my younger years of middle school or high school. It makes me chuckle thinking about it, a boy who I had a crush on that thought I was gross. Or Biology, I always hated biology. 

On Netflix there's a show "How to Get Rich", I personally thought the show was going to suck. But it is all about living your "rich" life. Everyone's definition of rich is different. The same as everyone's definition of being happy, or everyone's definition of a good parent. We all have different ways we think the world should look. 

But if we focus on our own "rich" life, how can we lose? If we focus on ourselves and who we want to be and what we want, while ignoring the noise. How can you lose?

Today think about your rich life. What does it look like? Check-in with your friends and family. Most importantly understand it's okay to be sad. And for all of us trying to comfort our sad family and friends let's remember no one wants to be sad. 

I deleted my blog...

I gave up on blogging for a while. I was deterred when someone said to me once, "What are you going to go home and blog about this?". I felt defeated. Blogging was my form of expression, a mental detox. In the last week, I have had 3 people tell me, I enjoy reading your blog, I could really use a Mary Blog post, and Thank you for being so honest and open. 

It's incredible how impactful words can be. Comments can inspire or crush you. You can choose to take the positive comments or you can choose to dwell on the negative. For some reason, I always gravitate toward the negative. I overthink A LOT. A comment made in passing or as a joke can keep me up all night trying to figure out what I did to cause that reaction. Something completely out of my control and I stress over it. 

To make this even more comical I have a tattoo that says "I'm not everyone's cup of tea". I understand completely that not everyone in the world is going to like me. I gave this same advice to my stepdaughter the other day. You can concentrate on all the people that don't like you or you can give all your energy to your supporters. As I type this I laugh and think, well Mary you could do the same. 

I never want or wanted to be labeled as a negative person. It is actually one of the labels that hit me at my core. My mom always told me I was her happiest kid and to never lose that sense of energy. I am here to create a safe space in which people can talk to me, and feel as if they won't be judged. 

Today I got a great compliment. One of my direct reports got engaged. He questioned when he should ask her and asked me for advice. I said you already know what you want, why wait? He told me this morning that he told his fiance that I played a part in him popping the question, obviously, she stated that I was a smart lady. But it's days like today where you know you make a difference. Where a positive attitude can play a huge role in someone's life. 

I have been on a new initiative to run every day. I can't go very fast and I'm not going to lie when I started I couldn't even run a mile. Now I am up to 2. This slow but steady progress has reminded me that there isn't instant gratification. There are tons of miserable days inside those 12 days of running. But when you are running the only negative comments you are trying to escape is your own. No outside impact. 

I guess today all I am saying is, to spend more time being kind. Spend more time adding positivity to those around you. Spend less time on the people that don't like you. Spend less energy on negative comments. 

And.. you aren't everyone's cup of tea. That is quite alright with me.